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All posts for the month November, 2011

drunk wigs, bill cosby sweaters and the gruesome trio

Published November 30, 2011 by shadycatlady

This guy in my math class would say something to day, and then immediately laugh, like he was the dane cook of my math classroom.  He was talking about the accident in the parking garage and he said something like “Yeah and they haaaaad to call the police” and then  he would laugh suuuper hard like HAHAHAH but it was mostly air, so it was like he was weezing. This went on for like 5 minutes.

Also the attention seeking math girl did not have a math boyfriend today, which i could see visibly upset her because shes obviously the hottest and coolest person in the glalaxy, why isnt a dude sitting with her? so she texted on her phone the whole time, or maybe nobody wanted to text her so she pretended to text. I dont know, i dont know her life story.

I do this awesome thing where i try to talk myself out doing important things. I had to go to my professors office today to get help with my paper. but i didnt know exactly where it was so i was a little nervous and im all I dont really need to go i could probably figure it out because its just going to be a big hassle trying to find it and then i wont know what to say when i do find it. even if i find it. i probably wont find it. ill just sit here. I dont need that good of a grade i guess.

This old lady, named Esther, used to come into my mothers store.

She was not your average old lady. This is the type of old lady thats drunk at 8 a.m.

She also always wore Jet Black wigs, because she had super grey hair. Except she was so drunk that the wig was on backwards, so she had bieber bangs and then it was super short in the back.

She didnt even care. she came in and asked for her smokes and went to her van and got in the passenger side of the van, but didnt shut the door all the way and then the wind blew it open and it almost flew off and next time we seen Esther’s van the passenger door was attatched by a bungee cord.

She also had a crush on a guy who worked there. So she showed her love in the only way she could.

She bought him a Bill Cosby sweater from the goodwill.

It smelled of cigarettes and was dowsed in cat hair.

I also was in the presence of the oddest trio of friends.

Just your typical 3 piece friend set equipped with a girl with super long cotton candy pink wig on, the fat boy, and the boy with a crustache (a very thin, creeper like mustache)

They talked of pokemon the whole time, while simultaneously playing in on their nintendo DS and watching the movie on their laptop.

And apparently the pink haired girl’s sister is a whore. But she also is not Asian enough (whatever that means)

so the chubby one asks Isn’t there like makeup to make you look asian? No. things like that just do not exist. If you dont have slanted eyes, makeup will not magically slanted eyes and a great sense of style.

The chubby one was ill informed on the rules of asian-anity.

The one with the crustache threw his stuff all over the hallway and was sitting on the floor.

and the pink haired girl had all her stuff on the chair and proceeded to sit on table.

I did not approach them, yet, i observed from afar. like they were some alien race i’d never encountered before.

Also my neighbors just got a new ford fusion.

Which is not okay because i just got a new fusion. They’re obviously copying me.

NOT IN MY HOOD.

we cant have the same car, we’d look like fools. omg

VSFS, super powers, stolen wallets and bagels and poop river.

Published November 29, 2011 by shadycatlady

I’ve gotten two hits from google these past two days, and each time someone googled the words “Mario Kart lamp” and ended up on this garbage dump of a blog entry.

So, to this mystery person, I’d like to publicly apologize for the fact that you accidentally ended up here instead of finding your one of kind novelty mario kart lamp. I feel your pain, really.

You know how they like animals and babies and stuff can sense ghosts or spirits (not the juicy booze kind) because they like have tiny brains and stuff. Well i try not to believe that crap.

but i do.

BECAUSE my cat was sitting on my dresser, staring into my closet with her little tiny cat eyes darting all over the place, and then she would run over there and run back and watch my closet again

And im like, oh s-h-i-t. no. nononononono. Come here pretty kitty and lay down for the love of god quit freaking me come here kitty kitty kitty ive got a warm bed and an endless supply of saucers of milk.(all in super high singy song kinda voice)

It’s always saucers of milk, never cups or bowls or anything normal.

But i obviously keep my composure because ghosts enter you through your fear i am told. I believe everything that has to do with the supernatural, not because im gullible, but because im taking all the precautions because this ghost thing has already died. IT FEARS NOTHING.

I also imagine that heaven would be like Ikea. Just an endless supply of already made and decorated bedrooms and living rooms and kitchens and what nots.

Plus its all like suuuuuper affordable. so that would be wish, to die and then live on in a world of Ikeas, because i feel nothing is more perfect than that.

There is nothing worse then the feeling of knowing your getting a new zit when your in public. And dont try to act all superior like this has never happened before, because quite frankly, that is BS.

I felt it at school, and i knew that it was probably red all over the place and the people in that class already think im a freak because i ran into a table and then my “if i was a rich girl” ringtone came on. So i did the thing where i act like im day dreaming of a perfect life where i run barefoot through the fields with my cat and other things that i love (which is sparse) and hold my hand to my cheek and fake gaze into the distance.

but really im just hiding my hideous skin blemish.

When i was standing in the hallway waiting my my class to open, this person comes up and stands RIGHT NEXT TO ME. there is so much space left to stand, why would you ever pick to stand so close to me

So i immediately moved, to let this obviously ill informed person know that things like that are just not okay.

I finally got my favorite 21 glee songs on a CD so i can listen to them in my car, and should really have a record deal. Im such a great singer, ESPECIALLY when it is glee edition anything. I love glee songs, and i love how good i am at singing them.

In my great city of where i attend school it decided to rain, A LOT, yesterday, like noah and the arc a lot. But then it decided to be so windy that  it just rained sideways so my umbrella was utterly useless for me. So it did that all day and my pants were soaked, and my socks were wet from the water soaking through my shoes, YAY. It also did that TODAY! So the river that flows through my campus that somebody beautifully named “Poop River” when they spray painted that across the bridge, was at an ultimate high. It was swallowing trees and touching bridges and what not, it was all bad for school these past two days.

Some kid in my class (the one with the pocket constitution) was talking about the reading today, but he was talking about it at 12:15, the exact moment we should be gone. But he didnt care because he loves school and America. So everyone in class was glaring at me, with our meanest faces. and i know we were all thinking the same thing, “maybe if we stare long and hard enough, he will catch on fire.”

Tonight is the elusive Victoria Secret fashion show. I hate that all the girls are excited about it. like Omg the victoria secret fashion show maybe all the dudes will think im hott because i wanna watch girls in their underwear and i cant wait to buy all this stuff and ill watch it because i look so good in my underwear and im fabulous. blah blah blah

Because the second that train wreck is over, ALL i see on facebook and twitter is omg im so fat im not eating i cant wait to look like a victoria secret model with my strict diet of saltines and low fat tang.

pffft i see girls in their under garments EVERYDAY, why the frick do i wanna watch on TV?

I also found out i have two exams at the same exact time. they take special precautions to prevent this from happening.

so it naturally happened to me.

I wonder if i’d rather pass math or film? hmmm decisions.

OH and i only have 3 exams. OH AND THEYRE ALL ON FRIDAY.

wooowooo shout out to people who hand out good luck, but forgot to give me some…..

I also had a dream last night that a scammer scammed my bff’s mom and took all of her wallets and bagels, and then opened up a bagel and wallet store with them.

And im not talking a couple of bagel and wallets at your shady corner store.

Im talking HUNDREDS of wallets and bagels in, like a T.J Maxx sized store.

I dont know why she had so many wallets and bagels. But me and my BFF eventually found out of his wallet and bagel stealing shenanigans, so instead of alerting the authorities we knocked everything off of the shelves. go us.

cat scratch fever. a short blog of my thoughtless mind.

Published November 27, 2011 by shadycatlady

My cat only has back claws, because “the back claws arnt really dangerous”

Tell that to scratch that goes from the corner of my eyeball to the corner of my mouth that i received in the middle of the night.

its like my cat was a race car and was revving up and taking off of my face.

i woke up in the morning, looked her right in the cat face, and said “I hate you.”

and then i fed her delicious kibble because shes so adorable.

Plus i had to work where i received jokes like, i hope you dont get cat scratch fever, and “did ya get in a cat fight”. Oh dear lord

I cry when i watch the last harry potter, im trying to prolong watching it with my family because my father will laugh right in my face. And i am no state to be laughed at because harry potter is all i care about in the world. Incase you missed the softball story ( https://shadycatlady.wordpress.com/2011/11/21/the-short-lived-softball-career-my-family-never-lets-me-live-down/ ) my father laughs at things that are border line traumatic for me. So i can only imagine how the situation would play out. Now that i think of it i still havent watched part one with them, which where i also cry.

that must also be prolonged.

I go back to school tomorrow from thanksgiving break. I have field work that needs to be done. i have math homework that needs to be done. im not ready for reality. i just want to continue to sit in my room and watch gossip girl and drool over chuck bass and how awesome he is.

Tonight i FINALLY see twilight. Ive waited weeks and begged people who arnt even my friends to see it.

my best friend who already seen it is going to take me to see it, she is such a trooper.

*que the musical tune “people let me tell ya bout my best friend fraaaand”*

except once she went to fake punch me in the nose and ACTUALLY punched me in the nose

All is not forgiven.

It is time to go see hot werewolves in jorts and no shirts.

 

 

declined credit cards, flashbacks, and the game of Life…..is a load of…

Published November 24, 2011 by shadycatlady

Guess what, I had a less than satisfactory day on Tuesday.

As i was bracing myself for the arctic temperatures outside, i go to button my coat…. and my last freakin button falls off.

My coat now has zero buttons and is just flapping open in the chill winter wind. How convenient  for me, because being cold infuriates me unlike anything else in the world. seriously. OH it was all a literal downpour on Tuesday, like it was raining sideways from all the rain and wind, so that really worked out in my favor. What else is new? NOTHING

I got a new credit card in the mail and i never ever activate them, which is horrible planning on my part because when i was buying Harry Potter deathly hallows part 2 my credit was not working on the machine, Which caused me to have a flashback *Que Garth a Wayne* doodlodoodlodoodlo…

I got a new credit card in the mail and i decided not to active it, a couple weeks later, i stop at the gas station because i dont even have enough gas to get home. i try my card at the pump it says go see cashier, so i go in and he tells me its declined, Obviously in denial I make him try it one million times as many different ways as possible. Oh no. What the f am i going to do im going to have to push my car home oh freakin great. But my mother saves the day and buys me gas and all is well and i swear to always activate my new cards. 

guess what? i dont. But as it turns out, it wasnt my card it was actually the machine and it worked on his little register card swiper thing. so thank god. and i also STILL havent activated my new card……

Some girl in my class asked me if i has a tide to go pen. because, and i quote, “you look like the kind of person who would have a tide to go pen.”

Will i take that as a compliment? yes, yes i will.

It must mean that i look clean and care about my hygiene and my hair never looks greasy. So that made me pretty excited, because if i can trick these people into thinking i wash my hair and care about my clothes and stuff, that there is still hope for me.

Now, now, the game of life was always enjoyable as a child, but when you get older you realize that its not cool to have 6 kids, so that you have to turn your little car over into a boat to fit your husband and all your offspring, and that is just fiscally not possible to be a salesperson, making 20,000 dollars on the payday spaces, yet still live in the luxurious modern Victorian house.

So me and my friends played last night. I started at college in hopes of getting extra life tiles and the elite college jobs so i could be like a doctor or something, while my two friends just started at careers.

Obviously i spun a 10 and skipped all the cool college moments where you get life tiles and stuff, what a waste. I drew my elite college only career cards and i get to be a veterinarian. It was that or an accountant, what a waste of going to college. F that.

My friends start out careers and start getting their paydays, and im all poor and they make you borrow 100,000 dollars when you start at college, so im poor and in debt. So we finally get to draw ‘starter’ houses. My friends get the ranch house and the condo, and obviously i live in the freakin mobile home. Of freakin’ course. A vet who makes 80,000 every payday and i live in an aluminum mobile home.

my friends also have already landed on the kids spaces so Sami has 4 kids right now, while jahrdin has 2. and i still have none. Just me and my husband in our magenta mini van.

There should be a sports car option for the couples without children.

There is now an option to go back school. I go, hoping to improve my life, which is in shambles right now.

My friends, do not.

This round of college goes a lot better for me. I get a Scholarship, i get to apart of an elite honor society. And at the end of my college round 2 experience, i get a 20,000 pay raise. YES. now i get the big yellow 100,000 bill on my paydays. I’m obviously going to win.

Its time for everyone to get rid of their starter home and get real homes. I draw two choices.  A beautiful modern victorian, that i clearly cannot still afford because i obviously land on all the spaces where you pay the bank, Or my second choice. A double wide mobile home.

No.

I will take a loan out and put my family in a luxurious home i cannot afford rather than go back to a mobile home. I am a veterinarian that makes 100,000 dollars every payday, i will not be living in a mobile home.

By now samis van is busting at the seams with children and her husband keeps falling out and trying to commit suicide and jahrdin has lost her job twice and had to keep picking different careers to support her and her twins, and she ends up as the ‘entertainer’ which we assume is a stripper of sorts.

We finally get to the end, im the last to reitre and we count up all the money and cash in alllll our life tiles and sell our houses.

And i lose, i went to college TWICE and my friend who had to have three different jobs, didnt go to college, and ended up as a stripper, won.

Im dropping out of college its only going to ruin my life.

OH! and happy thanksgiving, im thankful for everyone who is reading this :]

ill also be thankful if you share this with your friends or click the stumbleupon button and share it there ;]

Have a nice happy holiday!!

the short lived softball career my family never lets me live down

Published November 21, 2011 by shadycatlady

Its been a while since i’ve blogged….. for no reason at all because we all know i havent busy actually doing productive stuff. so here i am again, to brief you on my weekend!

First of all It was snowing on thursday before my class, and my snowing i mean a couple flaked fell down from the sky which may have been dandruff because it was so sparse. But i get into class and this girl was like, “yeah well it was snowing outside” and im like why do you feel like the need to broadcast the weather in a voice where it makes it seem like your better than everyone else because you seen some dandruff flakes, but whatever i shot her dirty looks to the the back of her head the whole time. and when i get outside its actually snowing, not dandruff snow, REAL snow, and im like omg its snowing!! so naturally i text everyone i can think of to tell them its snowing, because, well, ITS SNOWING. then i felt like a hypocrite.

Then friday in my film class, we have quizzes at the beginning of class, then watch a movie, then have a quiz over the movie the next friday. So, these dudes in my class that sit behind me maybe the most retarded people to ever grace the planet (I never exaggerate). They come to class EVERY FRIDAY MORNING, and are all like

Hey stoner bro man dude did you watch the movie

no but i like read about it on IMDB (obviously equivalent to watching it)

yeah dude me either 

Did you know you can like um watch any movie you want on Youtube and its like really high quality bro dude stoner

And then they take the quiz and leave……every time….

The conversation had a lot less stoner bro man dudes in it, but you get the idea. YOU DONT NEED TO WATCH IT ON YOUTUBE YOU CAN WATCH IT HIGH QUALITY RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW IN THE CLASS YOUR ALREADY IN! but they leave, and probably fail every quiz because they dont want to sit there for 2 hours in a class they are already seated in, to watch a movie which they’re going to try to watch on youtube later on…………..

I had this very short lived, very tragic, softball career in probably like the second grade, and nobody ever lets me forget it. Not that i could if i tried. We were at a game and i was wearing low pigtails, very cute but still serious tomboy softball-ish, and they made me stand on the pitchers mound and watch the guy pitch to the batters, to learn or something i dont know. I dont expect anyone to hit the ball, and nobody expects me to catch it, obviously. Well this kid took his daily dose of horse tranquilizer steroids that day and blasts this ball at what, at the time, i presume is 150 mphs, to fast for me to think about my actions. So instead of putting my glove up to catch it, or diving out of the way, i let this jet plane softball hit me square in the forehead and then everything went black. Now i dont really remember anything after that, except for i never went back because that crap just wasnt even worth it, but i was told it involved a lot of laughing and probably some type of lifetime achievement award to the batter for fastest pitch and fastest K.O in a co-ed second grade softball team. So tragic for me.

ANYWAYS it took me about 5 hours to clean my shoebox sized room, without any distractions, and yes i have cleaned it before but sometimes it gets out of hand and your mom is supposed to help you but she doesnt and you end up just sitting there in items of dirty rooms past.

So i did alllllllll my laundry and my hamper is empty, and my cat usually hops on the dirty clothes to hop onto other stuff in my closet. Yeah so she obviously went to hop on the clothes and she just fell right in. I found her stuck in there, plotting her escape and my death, so i kindly let her out, so i think the karma is cleared and were friends again.

My mom also bought me a mini glorious wolf notebook so i can write all my thoughts down in it for this blog, and she also bought me..

new pens.

New pens are like crack. I love them so much. They glide so smooth across my paper and i dont have to shake the crap out of it or lick the top to get it to work. I just want to use them all at the same time and write one huge letter with my 12 new crack pens.

Actually i feel that way about all office supplies. I’m positive office max is heaven and if i could find a car freshener thing that smelled like office max i would buy 500 of them because i love the smell of new office supplies.

I had to get up early for school today because i had to dress cute and presentable because my car needs air my tires so i do not die, because me and my mom tried to put air in them and im sure we just let more air out. So i have to stop at the valvoline by my school to see if they can fill up my tires or something. I needed to dress cute because i dont know if it costs money, but im not paying money for air, so i hope i look cute enough and act confused enough that they would do it for free… We’ll see, im sure i’ll have to pay.

There is also this girl in my math class with the most squeaky annoying voice, so always tells these awesome stories about her weekend where she drank 14 bottles of vodka without a chaser and then had some whiskey and hung out with a bunch of boys who are all in love with her. Yeah, THAT girl. The one who always think she has great ideas but will probably only end with her ruffied, with an underage, and some form of an STD. So basically she just talks the whole time and doesnt do any math and , naturally, sits by only 8 guys who i assume take turns being her math boyfriend. Today she  rested her head on her Monday math boyfriend and they both drifted into a slumber where they dreamed of the complement and unions of probabilities.

She will do great things.

the haunting of my room. and my great morning

Published November 18, 2011 by shadycatlady

Okay it wasnt much a haunting as i think my fan was blowing around my britney spears circus edition blazer, but it was still freaky looking, watching it sway around, so i called my mother form the other room and made her come in and take it down so i could sleep.

Days where i have to wake up early, nothing really ever works out.

Its become to cold outside and in my house that i have now started my winter morning ritual. As soon as my clothes are dry i  dump all over my bed, and in the morning instead of getting up and looking for an outfit, while being cold, i just lay in my warm heated blanket bed and pick out an outfit and then get dressed in bed.

I also decided that im such a good student so i should treat myself to Tim Hortons before class today, so i go, expecting in my heart something like peppermint mocha from starbucks because they’re delicious. No peppermint mocha ANYTHING. great, i already had it in my mind, anything is just going to taste like hott oil. But i got a doughnut and hot chocolate. Not as good as peppermint mocha, but not as bad as hot oil.

and then im driving as the sun is just extra super frickin bright today and its blinding my side vision. So im freakin out because its just so bright and i dont have sunglasses, because i have regular glasses, and, why tease myself with adorable sunglasses if i cant wear them? So it’s about around here when a motorcycle with the brightest headlight ever is behind me and like, why does he have his cyclops headlight on, its so bright outside, so now i cant look behind me, so im probably going to get into an accident and die. great.

But i dont die, i live.

But as im on the express way, my little light thats on that says low tire pressure.

oh no.

last time this was on, i popped my tire and it cost me two hundred dollars. well my mom two hundred dollars.

so im freaking out, like my tire cant be popped i didnt even feel anything happen, maybe the tire pressure is just low? i dont know what are the odds. i dont know what the odds are because i dont know anything about cars, like at all. so im driving like 50, making a ton of people mad. If my tires going to pop im not going to be driving like a speed demon and have it fly off like a weapon and then crash my car. Not gunna happen, sorry people. and then the low fuel light comes on, not really a surprise because i never have gas, but now i have these messages on my little mile thingy and its just stressing me out even more. so im trying my hardest to get to school without dying.

guess what. spoiler alert! I make it

So i park, and i know how to check for a flat tire, because its the flat one. but low tire pressure? no idea. So i probably look like a maniac slowly walking around my car twice, and casually kicking each tire every time i pass it. When i kicked them my feet didnt sink into any tires, so i think its safe to drive home……..

wish me luck.

school sucks, you look like you’re 67, and my teacher is dumb.

Published November 17, 2011 by shadycatlady

I hate going to school in the winter. Whose idea was it to make 14 hundred seperate buildings and make people walk between them when its absolutely freezing outside? I am not a fan of this college thing at all.

Especially because my teacher is super dumb. EVERYDAY, i kid you not, he walks in and flickers the lights until they all come on and then proceeds to say its always the last one isnt it? Like um no. You need to make the switches all in the same direction. its not a trick. flip all the switches up, and if they’re already up, you dont need to flip them down, you’re just going to turn the lights off. I hope you’re reading this

I also worked super super hard on a paper for his class and im thinkin to myself like yeah im gunna get this back and its gunna be like at the least a 95 because i slaved over it and i know its really good. So obviously i got a 70.

a 70? really? why dont you just punch me in the face?

I wish college was like Zoey-101. Its always sunny and hott there and they’re never in class and always doing productive things to help the school. And everyone loves Zoey and then she won a jet-X. I just wish Zoey and Logan would have fell in love. I also wish Jamie-lynn didnt have a baby so i could still be watching it.

Also Lisa D’amato or whatever on Americas Next Top Model ALL STARS! needs to leave. she is just like a trashy trailer park wife. She looks like shes 67 years old, im assuming from the alcohol and tanning. All she does is jump around and be loud and annoying and wear super trashy clothes and be annoying, did i already say that. i dont care, because she is annoying. I hate her.

On a brighter note i want someone to take to me to see Rocky Horror Picure Show, live, because i just havent been getting my daily dose of tranny musicals like i want. I want to be in a dirty theater with stuff being thrown everywhere and then i want to do the Time Warp, because its just a jump to the left…..

Also, another pet peeve, when people listen to TV shows on their phone, out loud.

why, why would you ever do that. Just because you want to watch your crazy asian anime cartoon bull crap, does NOT mean i want to listen to it okay? so just shut it down or get some headphones. Seriously.

A girl in least favorite class, my little math group, has the longest nails EVER and she was tapping away on her touch screen this morning, like why dont you get nails that are functional. its obviously hard to use your phone, and probably write, and do other everyday normal things, they are not helping you and they are DEFINITELY annoying me.

are you asking why that is my least favorite class? Because we have this grad student teacher Kevin, bless his soul, who is so nice but speaks in what i think HE thinks is english, but is really some hybrid language between english and wherever he is from, and i just cant understand one word of it, for real. Were like slow down kevin, so then he speaks in the hybrid language, but even slower, and were like yep we got it Kevin, but in our heads i know were all like Wtf did anyone else understand any of that, because i didnt, at all. On the plus side there is a guy in that class with what i think is an Irish accent i dunno but it sounds beautiful. i love it he talks and he hates kevins language so he yells about that and about the worksheets, its awesome. Thank you mystery irish guy.

AND THEN I SEEN SOMETHING HORRIBLE.

a half permed hair-do. Like the top part of this girls hair was alllllll curly like an afro, and the bottom half was stick straight. And i was like OHHH NOO. maybe she forgot to straighten the top part? i really want to give this girl the benefit of the doubt but like, i’m pretty sure she did that on purpose. and then i threw up it was so ugly.

And my mom doesnt think i have malaria so shes taking matters into her own hands and is going to find out. But its probably Malaria.

and when i went to get a salad, everyone who works in that place is cross-eyed i swear. I can never tell who they’re talking to when they ask what i want on my salad, and when i tell them, they just look at me for a second like they didnt understand what i said, but i know they did, so i dont know why they think im stupid. so forget you stupid salad people. But the salads are good, so ill continue to get one. You win this time….