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All posts for the month December, 2011

let me apologize in kadvance …..

Published December 29, 2011 by shadycatlady

Day three of my kardashian binge has ensued. I may need an intervention soon because none of this feels normal.

I don’t even think i know real words or like, slang anymore. I just know the words doll and bible (which means swear to god) and perf (perfect) and other super adorable abbreviations.

And i found myself googling how to open my own boutique just like dash because i love clothes and stuff and Kourtney is cute and i may have a girl crush on her, which is awesome because i just seen her make out with a girl so i totally have a chance.

I think after this i may throw all my stuff away and start all over and my kardashian like wardrobe on because they ALWAYS look cute. Plus im pretty sure im going to buy extensions and have wavy hair with a middle part and not look like a ninety’s grunge band guitarist.

I really want the swively sidekick phone but i think tmobile has like, THEE, worst service like of ever. seriously. So im at a crossroads in my life.

bible.

omg, the kardashian lingo has found its way into my life.

As much i probably need help with this addiction, i dont think i want any.

Bruce got a colonoscopy and he was doing the cleansing thing the night before and almost full on took a dump in his gold medal olympic pants.

Kris jenner got a monkey because she missed having babies and put her (Suzy) in little girl clothes and fed her cheerios and stuff, the whole thing was wild.

And i mean im sorry this is all im talking about but i have not left my mothers room with netflix in it for like three days.

Im pretty sure im getting a double chin. for lunch yesterday i had garlic breadsticks dipped in garlic sauce, so it was basically like i was drinking garlic sauce, like some weird sexy fantasy except there was nothing sexy about it because i was eating like a ravished beast. and then for dinner i had dark chocolate ice cream with gummy bears and reeses pieces, a bag of doritos, and a chicken quesadilla. two chins people, two chins.

and thats why i dont leave the kardashian fortress because there is no food in here so im just sitting here not getting double chins, and fantasizing about my future life.

Ill just say my new years resolution is to work out so i can say its like a pre-resolution thing and then ill probably never work out because my new years resolution is to have long hair and be tan and stuff. very deep meaningful resolutions.

omg. scott just showed up in miami. Everything i planned on writing is gone because i cant focus on anything else because this made me forget everything.

I love Scott. omg. i cant wait until they get back together.

I just gotta go pronto. Maybe ill have more exciting things to talk about later if someone asks me to leave the fortress..

Kardashian Kfever. ktuxedos.

Published December 28, 2011 by shadycatlady

My cat has been begging me to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians on netflix, so i finally caved and said yes and that is what we did yesterday. And let me tell you something about keeping up with the kardashians…..

IT. ROCKS.

my devil cat was right.

It was non-stop Kardashian fever all day yesterday.

That is the most entertaining group of sisters/ family ever.

All they do is get into little fist fights and call each other whores.

It really makes me want a group of sisters. Imagine the things we could do.

We could open up a little boutique shop and set each other up on blind dates and wrestle and love each other and call each other bad names and buy chickens and go clubbing with our mom and get wasted all the time and it would be the definition of awesome.

On one of the first episodes Kourtney and Kris jenner went to go taste wine for Kris’s anniversary party. Sound boring?

well your wrong.

They ended up tasting, like, 7 different shots of tequila ¬†and ended up going back to the party all late and wasted and say that they’re there to fix the party or something else that doesnt make sense.

And then They get Kris and Bruce Jenner a stripper pole for their anniversary because Kris and Bruce get into all types of sex-capades and their little sisters Kendall and Kylie are swinging around on it and then Bruce gets all mad because Bruce is always mad because he just your typical dad, and nobody tells Bruce anything.

And then Khloe got Kris a sexy cheerleader outfit that said TRASHY on the back.

This is honestly the most fun ive had in a while, and i dont know if thats sad or not. I can’t stop watching.

OH! and they’re actually, like, really nice people. They’re nice to everyone and they gave a homeless man a shower and katrina victims some furniture. What a group of saint like bitches

And they’re always talking about boning and sex all the time, even Kris and Bruce. Good for you Kardashian/Jenner’s

Plus i get to see the old Scott Disick, who is a little less dapper, but still fabulous.

And Kourtney said she was going to shove a taco up someone’s ass.

I could talk about this for HOURS, so ill stop now, but i urge everyone to watch it.

In other news, my like 12 or 13 year old cousin asked for a full tuxedo for christmas

Why?

to impress some ladies.

This kid has got the absolute right idea.

What better way to impress a group of chicks than wear a full on tuxedo to your middle school?!?

Nothin gets me goin like a fackin tuxedo, so i know this is a fool proof plan. But unfortunately he did not get one so if someone could PLEASE help me find a tuxedo for a 13 year old i would be forever grateful.

But i have to go because Khloe is going to jail, and i need to see Kris jenner work her teenage looks to get her out.

But first they’re curling her hair and going to ihop and Kim is getting yelled at for taking to many pictures of herself on the way to drop Khloe off at jail.

My cat is the devil, and thats why this is so short.

Published December 26, 2011 by shadycatlady

I had a serious unfortunate chain of events this morning.

I had chapped lips. They’re always chapped by the way.

so im laying down in my moms room looking for chapstick and my mom finds some and i get all excited and dont exactly know how anything after this happened, but she elbowed me in the back of the head while opening it and my head falls RIGHT onto the open chapstick and chunk breaks off IN MY HAIR,

So I’ve walked around all day with a chunk of sticky hair. I noticed it at the buckle, which probably like the Barneys of my town, where all the bitchy girls and their cougar moms pay for 700 dollar jeans and then go get their tan on and get highlights so that they look super fabulous because they’re from hollywood and brad pitt is like their cousins moms 2nd cousin twice removed, so they’re better than you.

I also do not eat a super good christmas dinner because i am not super fond of meat. Especially when its all red and bleeding and it makes me vomit in my mouth when i look at it. And then there is like these fatty pieces that look like voldemorts re-birth and that also makes me vomit in my mouth so i had plain butter noodles.

Im watching Kourtney and Kim take New York and i love kortney and Scott

Scott is such a classy dude, plus he is mean which means he is perfect.

Except kourtney is all mad at him because she found lesbo porn in his computer history and hes mad at her for being mad about it and it is just an awesome fight. Let Scott watch some porno Kourt!

Plus Kim is fighting with Chris because she wants to have babies and raise them in LA and chris wants to live in Minnesota because it is great and exciting and just a super awesome place where everyone wants to live.

But we ALLLL know that doesnt work out anyone so im not really stressin over it.

Scott also went to the Today show with Kris to support her, so thats just super adorable. because he is just super awesome. i love him

My devil cat is trying to eat the napkin that is covering my pizza so she can eat my pizza so i really just have to go like right now or else ill have no lunch

This is probably going to come out all weird because im tired

Published December 23, 2011 by shadycatlady

Im very tired, i apologize now for sentences that dont make any sense and words spelled wrong and stories being told out of chronological order.

You have been warned.

I have to work at 8:30 in the morning. on Christmas eve.

Why? who wants to by moderately priced appliances at nine in the frickin morning.

morons. thats who.

So i politely told my boss that there was no way in hell i was going to be able to come to work at 8:30 because that was an ungodly hour and its still all cold and frosty out and i hate being cold, especially in the mornings because its against my religion where we cant ever be cold or get up early.

So he said to just come in at 8:45.

score one for ya girl over here

Being an only child is like being an heiress i figured out today.

The reputation of the family lies in your hands, and your hands alone. Thus resulting in the future of your family in your hands, just like the future of the company lies in the heiress’s hands.

You get a ton of shit because well, your the only one, and if your an heiress you probably use dollar bills as fertilizer because your so rich.

you do not, EVER, have to share. No matter what any ever says because well you weren’t trained for that barbaric shit.

And other multiple reasons, so i’ll just refer to myself as an heiress from now on.

My friend today just sent me the most awesome christmas card.

It is just the perfect mix of seriousness and cheesyness that makes it so so right.

You all know.

Im in love with it. It features great pictures of her and her boyfriend and a fabulous dog with antlers.

She also wrote a note explaining how she hopes i get a cat for christmas because im a crazy cat lady, and i appreciate her wishes, so maybe if we all wish hard enough and you all waster your 11:11 wishes on me, ill wake up with a kitten under my tree.

What a great lookin group. Myself included.

Thanks anissa, you’re my Dog.

I hate when people title their facebook albums their first name and middle name.

If im friends with you on facebook, im sure i already know your name.

You dont need to put all your pixelated dirty mirror pics into an album displaying your name.

It is the equivalent of talking in third-person. which makes it okay to kick you in the face.

Maybe its first person, you guys get it anyways, i wouldnt really know because my foreign english teacher gave me an F once.

the irony.

Incase i dont have time to blog before or on christmas due to my extreme popularity and everyone wanting to see me

HAPPY HOLIDAYS BEEYOCHES

p.s i just made my computer learn the spelling ‘ beeyoches ‘

Cults and oil changes.

Published December 22, 2011 by shadycatlady

Pinterest is a cult.

You dont just get to sign up and look through a bunch of stuff you cant afford and pin it to boards that are called “my dream home ill never be able to afford” and “my fashion (that i wish i had and could afford)”. You get to sign up to request an invitation

you have to be invited to this website. what is America coming to?

Well it took me two freakin weeks but i finally got my invitation.

I dont know if they conducted background checks or got blood samples from my doctor or whatever but they decided i was worthy to grace their website.

AND IT WAS WORTH IT

i can not stop pinning things to these boards i have and it is just so totally awesome.

I have stuff like a waterfall shower and a counter with a hole in it that goes to the garbage so i can just throw all my garbage in there. and then i have wedding dresses and cakes and stuff, its just all awesome.

I urge you all to join, except you wont have to wait because if you give me your email i can send you an invitation immediately!! Do not hesitate im on here all day every day!!

Facebook again….

I hate when people post completely stupid things

Someone once posted

“awww i want a love like 500 days of summer”

…Summer never tells Tom she loves him and then she marries someone else.

Why would you ever want your life to turn out that way?

She obviously did not watch the whole movie, or was super drunk and made up the ending of the movie.

And things like

“omg this show is so funny, its the same sense of humor i have that nobody understands”

Umm…. im pretty sure a ton of people understand your sense of humor, because that television show is on national TV..

I also hate when people freak out about the your/you’re mix ups.

some people freak out like

omg you used the wrong form of ‘your’ you are sooooo stupid and stupid

I obviously have better things to do than make absolute sure i used the correct form of ‘your’, like focusing on not throwing up and falling asleep at my keyboard.

Nothing stresses me out more than going to the car fixer place.

for one reason

i have to drive on those little thingys, and it has to be perfect or else my car will fall through the bottom of floor and crush all the oil changer people.

I had to do this today.

After i waited 35 minutes to actually get to that part i sat outside blasting glee so i could get all pumped and lip synch like the lip synching god i am, and then it became my turn.

I turned down Brittany S. Pierce’s version of who run the world and braced myself for the worst.

My hands are sweating so much i dont even think i could turn the wheel if they wanted to, and i have the dumbest look of extreme fear on my face. Atleast thats how i imagined it in my ford fusion, whether or not it actually looked like that form the outside, im not sure.

But then i had to clear the little bump thing and i always imagine my pressing the gas to hard and flying through their garage door, but thankfully that didnt happen………….this time.

 

look at my new earrings, and by earrings i mean muscles.

Published December 21, 2011 by shadycatlady

Want to know what i love most about facebook?

the tools and skanks.

That is the reason i STILL have one.

that and the fact that im super popular and need to keep in touch with my peeps.

But anyways

you know, everyone has those friends that are just sooooo douchey.

The guy who is like

check out my new facial piercing bro

but the picture is a full body picture, and he’s not wearing a shirt and flexing the absolute shit out of every muscle in his body so much that im sure he is also shitting his pants and looks all unnaturally red.

Then there is the girls. oh girls

check out my new haircut guys its so awesome 

And then the picture is super close up, not even showcasing the whole haircut, and then they took off their tank top and put their lowest v-neck on and their super push up bra and then squeeze their boobs together, then take the picture.

It involves a lot of work.

and they wonder why they get called the names they get called.

AND THEN

the douchey boys comment on those pictures like

you are so beautiful we should get to know each other

and then they get together and date for a solid 48 hours and then break up and make all their status’s about how there isnt any decent people in the world.

Oh the irony in the world.

Speaking of Irony, Ozzy didnt win survivor.

I just do not see how that is possible because he swims like a dolphin mixed with King Triton.

He literally is THEE survivor. he catches like sharks and stuff and does it all while having AWESOME hair.

like wtf, how did Sophie even win. she was a brat, like Ozzy said

I might be a little biased because i happen to be madly in love with Ozzy, but the footage does not lie.

He is just super athletic, at unnatural things, like climbing trees and staying under water for very long periods of time.

Things that come in handy in real life and look good on a resume.

And right now a Ryan Dunn tribute is on, and its making me sad.

Kind of like when i watch Clueless and see pictures of Brittany Murphy

But then some things make me happy, like the awesome wolf notebook i write all this stuff down in, and christmas presents and stuff.

So if you ever get sad, think of majestic wolves howling at the moon, and harry potter and golden snitches and stuff like that.

Yeah, im deep.

The dreaded work secret santa……

Published December 18, 2011 by shadycatlady

How in the world do i shop for christmas presents??

easy.

I dont.

if you know me you know i never have any money, and if you dont know me, now you know i never have any money.

So present buying is usuuuually out of the question

the exception?

my works secret santa that isnt really a secret because everyone tells everyone.

In order to get a gift, you have to give one.

The know me all to well, i love gifts

I pulled my bosses name

your average 35 year old male who loves football and other male like stuff i guess.

And im all crap what do i do? what to men even like? its like, a 10-20 dollar limit. maybe he wants like some hammers or wrenches or like used fitness equipment.

then i remembered my rule for shopping

“Get people things that you would want to get”

ding ding ding ding we have a WINNER!

If they end up liking it they’re gunna be all oh my gosh madison thank you for introducing me to something so cool and awesome you’re the best!!!!

And if they dont, they might let you keep it, or they will be able to re-gift it, thus saving them time and money

I thought long and hard about this gift. It must be perfect

I have a rep to protect as best employee.

It dawned on me at 5 a.m, so when i actualllly decided to get out of bed i raced to kmart at nine, picked up this SUPER AWESOME GIFT and made it to work by 9:30

He received………..

Justin Bieber, under the mistletoe CD.

Aint nothin like a hott dude that makes you feel like a boarder line pedophile!

I think he is going to re gift this one……..