Today i decided to try to bake the black belt of pastries:
And when you read 40 different recipes and they ALL say that it will probably take six batches before you get it right, they were not kidding. Do NOT expect to read a couple recipes and then follow it exactly and have them turn out like fluffy clouds with a delicious center. The universe simply does not work that way.
So i drive all over town to various bakery and whole food shops looking for almond flour or ground almonds or whatever and the prestigious whole foods store did not have this mysterious item, so i over pay for almonds in which i will have to ground to a powder myself and it turns out they had this mysterious almond powder at Kroger. so yeah whatever i was mad.
Obviously all the recipes are in grams because if you are ready to make macaroons you have know how to measure stuff in grams and kilometers and stuff like that. I found one recipe using cups and table spoons, but it involved grounding the almonds so i decided to just ground all these freakin almonds because the recipe NEEDS to be followed exactly or else you will ultimately fail.
So my mom is blending the crap out of these almonds in our jesus blender and its blending so fast that i am positive it all is going to burst into flames at any given minute, but surprisingly it did not, and then i had to sift it all because i read sifting is IMPORTANT for the smooth flat tops (spoiler alert: still doesnt work)
So we do EVERYTHING right, and follow the recipe EXACTLY, except we did not use aged egg whites, which i believe was our downfall. we just did not have old eggs sitting around surprisingly. YOU JUST CAN NOT GET GOOD PEAKS WITH NEW EGG WHITES. duh, baking black belt. OH and i also did not buy any parchment paper, which was also very important because you can just take the paper off and they will stop cooking and it will also give them the ‘feet’ on the bottom (rough bottoms and smooth tops for all you white belt bakers).
So we pipe these SOB’s out in one inch diameters, JUST LIKE IT SAYS, and we take them out and they are literally tiny crispy chocolate gold coins. there was nothing biscuit like or fluffy about them. they were tiny, they are supposeddd to be like palm sized sandwiches of deliciousness.
I was not the exception of the rule that the first time you make macaroons they will COMPLETELY suck so much and sound like coins.
What macaroons are supposed to look like:
What my experience was like:
I am not giving up obviously because i WILL make fluffy tiny almond cakes of deliciousness. So stay tuned everyone stay tuned.
BTW im watching SNL with harry potter on it, because we taped it, and Daniel is JUST as cute with an American accent. so i have to go and stop day dreaming about our wizard babies.
………yes i know he’s not a real wizard.
**UPDATE** my cat ate a bunch of ingredients and threw up and is trying to eat her throw up of what we think is raw eggs and butter and chili, she has quite the delicious pallet. and now my moms going to throw up. welcome to my life people, welcome