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All posts for the month February, 2012

I hate the Oscars. and School. and shaving commercials….

Published February 28, 2012 by shadycatlady

I’ll get to my super pissed off rant about the oscars in a minute.

Hey remember when i told you about the most annoying girl to ever walk the planet? If not, click the link. and if you do remember. I have more awesome news about her life that she forced me to find out about. Her family paid 350,000 for their house, but since the market has went down her house is only worth like 2,000. but im sure she meant 200,00 dollars. but guess who doesnt care? me. Also her dad used to make 3,000 a week. Why does she tell us these things? I honestly have no idea. She is deranged.

Also I had a conference with my teacher who looks like shaggy but acts like, well i dont know who, someone who is very serious and loves the environment and wears thick sweaters. So i have to go in his office and look at his beautiful iMac computer that i want. So he picks up the paper, kind of reads the first page, puts it down, flips through the other pages sets them all down. Picks them all back up, sighs a lot, reads the first page, writes on it, and then puts it down, reads the second page, writes MORE stuff on the first page, writes stuff on the second page, and repeats the process on all the pages. While this is going on I get to sit there and sweat because I’m sure he’s going to say mean things and look around in his weirdly serious office. He has greeting cards with cranes on them and basses on them and then a weird greeting card that looks like abe lincoln holding a huge dead fish in front of a girl abe lincolns body, its the oddest thing. and then i feel like i want to throw up because i see the look on his face and his sighs and whatever but he keeps his recycling bin right next to the garbage can and im scared im going to throw up into his recycling bin, which would piss him off because he LOVES recycling and has a weird sign that says something like “We wont fish in your oil pit if you dont drill in our rivers” and it doesnt help that the door across the hall from his has a spongebob cartoon on the door and an x-ray of homer simpsons head. Why me.

One last thing, I just watched a commercial where the lady was jump roping and it turned into water and smack her legs to talk about hydration in shaving. But thats not the point. The point is that im sure nobody wants to be hit in the legs with a jump rope. Specifically my mom, whom im sure received flashbacks from this commercial. My mothers cousin michaleen hit her with a jump rope when they were kids, sparking a life long frienemy relationship due to the fact that michaleen never got in trouble for it. Also my mother can resist bringing it up at family functions.

Now, time to get PISSED. 1. Hugo can rot in hell and 2. Harry Potter deserved an Oscar. That was THE best makeup job ever. I actually believe that Ralph Fiennes has no nose. I know he doesnt. thats how good it was. So in order to show harry potter the recognition it deserves I once again, found a bunch of shit on the internet. I love google!

Thank you Harry Potter for being my entire life. Oscars are for foreign people and Meryl Streep anyways.

The only good thing about the Oscars was this

How stunning is Jessica Chastain’s Alexander Mcqueen dress? I see a lot of fleur Delacours dress in this, and yes i know that alexander basically has that exact dress, and probably first, I could give two shits. I liked Fleurs better.

 

 

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I hate teenagers

Published February 26, 2012 by shadycatlady

The most of the post is going to be about annoying teenagers. Yes I am aware that I am, in fact, a teenager. I’m talking more about 14-15 year olds who are almost positive they are the coolest people to walk the astro turf at the local indoor football/hockey/basketball center. Which leads us to the exact situation

It was my dads last football game on friday so me and my mother went to go watch it, the only downside in addition to the hockey feet smell, is the fact that it obviously has become the hip new hangout for teenagers to walk around and do absolutely nothing except annoy me. The basketball something or whatever is on the other side of the curtain is right next to the football field, and is obviously seperated by a curtain as i stated above, but I havent been over there so i cannot confirm what it is. All i know is that all the teenagers have to cross right in front of us to get there to smoke pot or make-out or whatever they could possibly find fun over there. lucky us.

And lucky you because they don’t talk quiet and I got to hear all their urgently important and fascinating stories.

they each walked past us like fourteen times because they obviously couldnt decided what they wanted to do. Or they wanted to let everyone hear their stories and impress the teen boy with a girl haircut and tight clothes.

Every piece of hair was straightened to a perfect straight line in exception to the couple that spent hours on the messy bed head look and teased their hair until it fell out. And if one of these girls wasnt pregnant she was about to be. Her clothes were so tight you could see a definite baby bump hopefully because if it not it was a huge gut the kind of gut your crazy uncle has that looks rock solid and perfectly round. Hasn’t this girl hear of a girdle. or any size other than extra small. Which leads me to the next girl who was wearing jeans obviously two sizes too small and belt squeezing them even tight paired with a cropped hollister sweater. Her muffin top was hanging out. Listen you are whatever size you are, you dont need to squeeze yourself into jeans that are obviously toooo small for you.

I would try to find the quote from hannah montana where she says that she tried to tell her uncle earl that skinny jeans don’t make you skinny if youre already fat. but nowadays when you google miley cyrus you just get bongs, penis cakes and pictures of her making fun of asians. Did i mention i love her?

Also the girls think its cool to wear flat bill hats now? I dont understand that at all. Flat bills make everyone look like they are auditioning for the tool academy. Guys can wear hats because their hair looks dumb 99.999% percent of the time and also can hide premature balding or can cover up those frosted tips youre trying to grow out. But girls? I’ll never get it. Girl hair is generally awesome and even if it isnt awesome the owner of said hair thinks its awesome anyways so I dont get the functionality of it, it only hides one your best features and make its look like you want to go to a concert and talk about how much the band sucks and then go back stage and try to make out with every single person back stage. even the lights guy or whatever. To her her own i guess or however that goes.

Also that goes along with the half-shaved head thing. That may be cool this month but sometime very soon that will, thank god, not be cool anymore and youll want to do something else with your hair except you have to let it grow out, like all the effing way to catch up to the other side of your head and then youll have half a bob and half long hair and you’ll hate your life. Choose your trends wisely.

Also the teenagers obviously had their parents drop them off which gives them the freedom to say cuss words like ‘hell’ without of fear of getting their cell phones taken away, Because they will DIE. So you hear the occasional cuss word flung out that was worded so awkwardly because they had obviously not said it a lot and don’t know how it works.

also remember in 2007 when super distressed/ripped jeans were the coolest things ever but your mom would never buy them for you because she wasnt going to pay 89 dollars for half a pair of pants? Well this girl didnt get the memo that those went out of style right when jean skirts did and was wearing the most distressed jeans i have ever seen. They were like Jean shorts with long jean capes hanging off of them. because they were just ripped wide open the whole way down. She also had a super heavy side bang and it was super messy and was telling some guy in a flat bill about how her sister almost got onto Drakes tour bus. Thats when me and mother started laughing out loud.

we also started laughing out loud when this family came in and both of her daughters were listening to ipods and playing on their nintendo DS’s and the son was playing on an ipad and she was on her phone. Why even go out to a family function if youre just going to ignore each other.

Hey mom can my friend DS come to the football game

yeah sure honey hold on im trying to put something in my blackberry 

grab the ipods and the ipad

they were also rolling deep in about 500 dollars worth of Australian sheepskin footwear. The 1950’s would punch us all in the face if it knew what families did this decade.

So i let my imagination run rapid on the whole annoying teenager thing and gathered these pictures

 The Distressed jean girl

 The pregnant but not pregnant girl

 flat bill half shaved head girl

 every single one of those teenagers and all 1200 of their closest and most elite facebook friends.

All I have to say about every single teenager is

Well its time to watch the oscars. Even though im sure all the movies sucked. Hopefully Tim Gunn tells someone to make it work.

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No, It’s not all about glee. but i wish it was

Published February 22, 2012 by shadycatlady

** This WILL contain Glee spoilers from last night **

Well it seems as my blogging idol Brittany Gibbons (Hint: click her name to get to her hilariously inappropriate blog) is one of the only other people I know who watch Glee I turned to her for guidance on last nights episode and to tell me it will all be okay. So when I seen she blogged about it and posted a picture of her face at the end of the episode, I thought….Genius. I must do the same because I’m speechless. So here is my face at the last second of last nights episode..

So much happened. I can’t believe they did that to Quinn! Why couldnt they have did it to Tina, she broke up with Artie, karma couldve handed it to her in a texting related accident. Quinn was just getting back on track with early acceptance to Yale, um she got to be a cheerio again! AND THEY JUST WON REGIONALS! plus she stopped trying to get Shelby Corcoran arrested.

Plus Finn and Rachel decided to rush into getting married which is always a good idea, so we could always find joy in that…

Quinn is an easy character to hate, which is probably why i love her. She is so ignorant to other peoples problems, she is selfish, she is always bitchy, like someone just insulted her ponytail. She never really had a hard life, at any point. Sure she gave up her baby but she wanted to, and then she decided to cope with by doing this..

She decided to become part of the SKANKS group and school and dye her pink and wear weird long denim dresses and smoke in the bathroom. Granted she came to her senses and went back to her normal bitchy self, only to try to literally steal her baby back and get the adoptive mother arrested…

The patented Quinn look. Which is also how my face looks 99% of the time. I really hope they don’t kill off Quinn, I know she would probably not be on the next season anyways since she would be graduating and moving but still…. I would be on a tyrant.

I’d probably get her portrait tattooed on my back

Also Karofsky try to kill himself after being bullied for being gay at his new school. I like the way they handled this because it actually was believable and handled so delicately. I admire that they portrayed this portion of being gay on the show. It’s not always single ladies dance remakes, boyfriends with bow-ties and fabulous outfits. Sometimes it’s hard and people get bullied until they kill themselves which is not right and they reminded everyone not to kill themselves by thinking of something youre looking forward to, which was when the entire universe cried together as Karofsky and Kurt talked about his partner and taking his son to his first football game. And then they make us wait until April 10 to see the conclusion of Quinns crash. Oh and if finn and rachel get married i guess…. but who cares.

As i promised this was not all about glee. This is also about Tony Horton

exactly. The P90X guy. I decided to do P90X again except i condensed it to P40X because I’m lazy and just want abs and could easily configure it into my lent ordeal thing. So boom two birds with one stone.

I cant feel my core. If you dont have this….. get it. Ab ripper X is such a bitch but it works. Plus Tony is jam packed with cheesy sayings and it is awesome. Its like a comedy boot camp.

Also I found this which is weird because my mom was just talking about buying an asinine amount of stuff at Target that we obviously do not need.

Perfect. This is EXACTLY what happens at Target, I’m surprised I have not thought of this before. This is what it is like when we go to Target. On our last adventure i remember getting sprinkles that were in containers that looked like christmas lights. We dont ever use sprinkles and so far their only use to make my one year old cousin stop crying by letting him throw them around the kitchen. We also have to ask ourselves what happened when we get in the car…. So always wear sunglasses when looking at the Target bulls-eye (Hypnotic Circle) and also the little dog too, just to be safe.

And remember children….

Tony is always watching you eat that fatty food.

Touchy Subjects

Published February 21, 2012 by shadycatlady

Being a veteran in the art of popping car tires you could imagine by sense of panic when my low tire pressure light came on on my way to school. I get all hot and am like I don’t remember hitting a curb, there is no way the tire is popped, maybe it just literally has low pressure. But that did not stop me from thinking about turning around on the express way and going to my local belle tire where I would have to sit in the little waiting room for hours in my huge green pajama pants next to a guy missing all his teeth who thinks Bruce Jenner is a girl and doesnt know who the Kardashians are as we sit there and watch Kims Fairytale Wedding.

Horrible Horrible flashbacks.

So I get out of my car as I arrive to school and go around the perimeter of the car kicking each tire, which is the way I gauge my tire pressure, and it all seemed good and I had in fact not blown out a third tire. Which was a relief until i remembered i didnt wear makeup to school today so when I go to the tire place they probably are not going to help me fill up my tires and say Hey little boy you fill up yer own damn tires! and then watch out the window as I single handedly deflate all my tires.

Also another touchy subject, love. I hate when people complain about other people loving each other! That came out all confusing, yes I am aware. But for real people say like omg you’ve been dating a month you don’t love each other. Granted I also think that is annoying, I dont say anything because I mean it is none of my business. I can’t tell if those two people really each other because I’m not a psychic gypsy or The Long Island Medium.

Lets keep the love fortunes up to this spunky soccer mom people. Because I mean we have all been there. You totally think you love someone after he like asks to borrow your pencil or something and if someone questioned our undying immediate love I would want to give you a horrible M.A.S.H fortune.

I also baked brownies with my mom last night. Where she revealed that she was still upset that when she was a child her sister always got the beater with the most batter on it. Because her sister was the favorite. And then she said something about how nobody was eating the powdered eggs, which led me to believe she was on a copious amount of drugs. Or shes crazy. Turns out somehow she just got her words mixed up and meant to say nobody was eating the boiled eggs. Boiled, Powdered whatever same thing.

I also had to publicly shame my mother into taking my picture. She has, literally, a small fortune invested in camera equipment and never wants to take a picture. Helllloooooooo it’s what your supppposed to do. So I had to tweet about how sad I was and she felt bad and seen the error of her ways and took my picture! Yay I win

This is what we came up with. I quite like it. Maybe I’ll tape this to my face so that the people will fill up my tires for me because I’ll probably get overly excited and fill them up too much and they will explode.

Also when it goes from like 20 degrees here, up to like 40, people freak out. They act like its 90 degrees and wear shorts and short sleeved shirts. And then everyone complains about being sick. Why don’t you suppress your urge to wear your booty shorts until it is actually hott outside, until then dress like it is actually 40 degrees. You know coats and stuff

Thank you Willy Wonka, someone else feels the same exact way I do apparently.

In other news unrelated to everything I found this on the internet and it made me lol

It flows together so seamlessly. It is still amazing me im still laughing. I love it

I also just hit 100 followers on pinterest! If it is wrong to be that excited then I dont want to be right.

So follow me on pinterest because I have no life and pin allll the time.

i also just seen somebody carrying around a quesadilla maker. Yeah I dont know

The only thing not hostile about this are cats.

Published February 18, 2012 by shadycatlady

Adding cats to my stumbleupon interests was one of the best ideas ever. I’ve learned so many more cat facts over these past few days than in my whole life. It also allows me to find things like this

Which for some unknown reason makes me want to pee my pants from laughter. I’m seriously laughing out loud at this cat picture….alone….in my room… on a saturday night.

Without stumbleupon I would be so ill informed of everything like how else would I know that Kate Middleton loves reality TV?? Because i stumbled upon an article that says she does. Thank God for Stumble.

BTW my stumbleupon user name is chattymadee if you want to follow my stumbles or whatever the hell they’re calling it over there.

Yeah so anyways yesterday I’m sitting at school mentally preparing myself for the test im about to take by sitting on facebook and twitter when the limp bizkit tool asked me something about the Aristotelian stand point of an argument and if its still valid if something happens or something, I’m like I really have no idea what that question even means, because i really didnt and i wanted him to stop sitting on my bench and leave me alone. And he looks at me as if he was some type of God with a P.H.D in philosophy and i was a kindergartner and then said “How are you even passing this class”. So I was all, excuse me, limp bizkit was never cool along with beanies with bills on them so why dont you mind your own business because i could give two shits about philosophy really, and i am passing, with a pretty good grade so BOUNCE. but i really just “I dont know” and continued to not look at him because i wanted to spit on his baggy flare jeans with chains on them for being so annoying. Well he continued to sit on my bench and 5 blissful minutes pass were he is not talking to me when he says “So you just, like, sit there in class” Um yeah you dumb idiot he doesnt give notes because all the notes he gives are on the worksheets for homework, so you mean to tell me your taking notes twice. Might I add this is his SECOND time taking this class. So I just said “Ya” and he said “Wow…..Not cool”

Yeah neither is your slipknot bookbag or the time i had to listen to you talk about how prepared you are for Armageddon because you have all these guns and you actually know where the closest unground shelters are or whatever and how manly you are.

I’m generally an all around angry person. Facebook has been pissing me off lately with all the skinny people saying their fat and ugly and then the pre-teens taking pictures of them smoking and talking about being high. Okay maybe they’re not pre-teens but if you take pictures of yourself smoking cigarettes your probably not mature enough to be smoking them because im sure you just think it looks cool. Smoking just doesnt look cool. Especially if you’re still wearing a training bra.

Kids these days. I hate them all.

But i love that there is a picture for everything.

And then my friend tweeted this picture

and i pissed my pants and had to be resuscitated back to life i was so excited.

I CAN WORKOUT AT HOME AND DO MY FAVORITE THING SIMULTANEOUSLY….watch harry potter.

This is honestly the best idea ever….of all time. I will be implementing this this week. I will keep you posted.

But im also going to add 20 crunches everytime Hermione tells Ron to stop eating because she does that a lot.

But for now I’ll sit here and watch the worst one, Order Of the Phoenix, which happens to be one of the best books, and eat salty snacks!

YAY FOR TRANS FATS!

Man up and look at my favorite pink colored items.

Published February 14, 2012 by shadycatlady

As far as I personally am concerned, Valentines Day is an excuse for companys to make my favorite shit in pink. My favorite color.

I love it. Who doesnt love when their favorite items are also pink?!

I can tell ya Nicki Minaj probably loves it.

But not as much as I do.

Now about Valentines day being about eternal love and other gay stuff, I could care less. If you love someone and feel the need to shower them with affection and overpriced candy one day a year, be my guest i won’t stop you. But if you don’t have someone to celebrate it with then why don’t you man up and stop being a little girl about it. News flash desperation is never sexy and alluring. omg i wish i had a boyfriend/girlfriend. I hate Valentines Day. Valentines day is the worst holiday ever.

whatever we get it, why don’t you just not complain and rub some dirt on it. Like a wise person once said nobody loves you the other 364 days of the year either.

To cheer up all you miserable souls and make you lovey dovey beeyoches even happier, here are a few of my favorite things: PINK EDITION!

 Perfume, specifically the Daisy by Marc Jacobs, in a nice pink hue. and Paris and a rocking horse. Yeah i love all those things

 The warmth of uggs, in a nice pink color. I love uggs and I dont care what anyone says. Its like walking on clouds of cotton candy and baby unicorn hair.

 YEAH tea. I love tea. And especially love the protrusion on the inside making the content of the cup take that shape of a heart. plus the rock candy stirrer and sugar cubes. I love sugar cubes. On toddlers and tiaras one mom called them ‘Dance Candy’ and rewarded her child with them after she practiced her routines. America.

 A nice over processed picture of tiffanys boxes and a ring. I love tiffanys and thankfully for the over processing of it, it now takes a pink hue. Yummy!

 Ummmm hello a PINK KITTEN. I love cats. and I love the color pink. My cat better hope she can run fast and find a good hiding spot because im totally dying her fur pink.

 Is this not adorable. Moschino designed a bunch of suuuper adorable coke bottles, you can google it but i cannot put them in here, because they are not pink. But i would love to own 400 of these.

Now, some girl at my school was talking to her friends, and being the great eavesdropper I am, I over heard it all.

She was talking to her friends and someone said something about Whitney Houston dying and she goes Oh when did that happen in the most casual voice. and she didnt know because she was studying all weekend.

Yeah right, I couldnt have avoided that freight train of news even if i wanted to. She would have literally had to be Amish and then not talked to anyone for a couple days.

She also said Madonna isnt even that good of a dancer

um hello. Madonna is fossilizing as we speak, thats how old she is.

Is your grandmother, possibly great grandmother, a good dancer? Yeah well Madonna is still better than her. Maybe she forgot like Madonna is super old. and then maybe she forgot that she was the queen of pop and was once a great dancer.

I was trying to take a beautiful picture of my cat today on my cell phone camera and I could NOT figure out why it wasnt working. Well it wasnt working because my finger was on the lens. If that sentence doesnt describe an old lady I dont know what it is. So the future and its technological advances are looking grim for me from here on out.

Now don’t let a d-bag ruin your fabulous pink Tuesday and hand out these rocking cards i found on the internet and then get down with your bad self

 Yeah, forget sappy words and you know feelings, just get down to the nitty gritty.

and my personal favorite

 I love you. and her. and her and her her her her. Its perfect, don’t lead her on and let her think you guys are exclusive let her know you want her……… but also other people……… at the same time.

Its the 21st century, or something, people! Live in the now!

This makes me feel old.

Published February 10, 2012 by shadycatlady

This add new post has been sitting up for around a half hour. Empty.

Why you ask?

Because i was 110% sure i was going to vomit my brains out.

You know when you get all hot and know its not from your electric blanket and everythings all spinny and then your throat does that cool thing where it coats itself with spit for your vomits easy removal.

I just knew.

Except i just spent the past half hour sitting in there. Eating tums like they were sweetarts dipped in a thick layer of chalk.

It was not a total waste. I was able to confirm that there is NOT a dead spider in the bottom of the toilet. My moms just crazy.

Now that were done with that lets get back to what i came here to write about.

Blue Ivy Carter.

Unless your a hipster to the tenth degree you KNOW jigga jay-z and Bey (Beyonce) had a perfect child.

They named her Blue Ivy Carter. So she is in the illuminati. Thats what I’ve heard anyways.

Oh shes in the illuminati because she is the youngest person to be on the billboard top 100 or topped it or something like that. This happened when she was three days old, so continue to feel like failure.

If she IS in the illuminati it would explain her bitchin nursery that is double the size of my entire house pretty much.

she is rockin 2,200 square foot nursery with like 6 nannies because, they all play hide and go seek in the mansion nursery. or something there really isnt a good excuse for that.

so if that doesnt make you feel like crap maybe the fact that she parks her poopy diapers on a 600,000 dollar solid gold rocking horse will.

It didnt make me feel like crap because i dont like gold. But i would for sure pawn the shit out of that at my local cash for gold.

But she also has a bathtub made out of swarvoski crystals. and like a REALLY good crib that looks like its made out of plastic but cost thousands of dollars or something.

Her name is also patented. So try to open a trendy boutique under her name.

I may never be more successful than blue ivy carter because i wouldve had to start my career around 18 years ago, but I can say this Blue Ivy Carter..

I lived to see NINE plants. Something she may never get to do. so HA.

Thats going to make me sound so old eventually

Yeah well when I was your age I had to memorize NINE planets.

I found someone who doesnt make me want to stab my eyes out with hot forks in my philosophy class.

He looks like asher roth mixed with damian from the glee project, so in my mind I call him Irish Asher.

‘Sup Ladies?

I was sitting on a bench minding my own business (Ignore the fact that that sounded like Moaning Myrtle) when he came up and he ASKED if he could sit on the other end.

Of course you can because you wear new balances and are not annoying and dont have your ipod sound level on ‘personal rock concert’.

And i like him even more because he did NOT talk to me or try to talk to me and then he went and sat in him corner of the class room and i sat on mine.

I have finally found an equal

oh whoops. sorry im not sure what happened there. Not that kind of equal. I’m sure we can co-exist.

BUT me and my mother made some great valentines day treats and they were DELICIOUS !!!!

little mini strawberry rice krispie treat cupcakes!!

YAY FOR LONG TITLES!

so easy to make and SO  good!

I even ate one fore breakfast!

YAY CAVITIES !!

THE RECIPE IS RIGHT HERE CLICK THIS LINK!

I wonder if i can talk my mom into making me a smoothie in our jesus blender….

HAHAHA google images has everything.

but really we dont have a literal jesus blender like this. Don’t think were weird.