Let me start this blog off with a real conversation between me and my mother on good ‘ol facebook.
Me – I dont work until Saturday
mom – WOW that is a long time
Me – i know what am i going to do with myself? im going to sell plasma so that i can tan. after your seventh donation you get a 20 dollar bonus. and if i bring a friend i get a 10 dollar bonus. so if i bring a friend to my eighth donation im like doubling my profit
mom – you are not selling plasma
Me – im tanorexic. i have to
Me – I want my turn with the ponytail
Mom – No i call the ponytail all week
Me – no that is un-justified
Mom – I have longer hair and im older
Me – omg. I’m telling
Mom – snitches get stitches. and end up in ditches
Me – you get the ponytail and I get the tiffanys band for valentines day
Mom – it would be cheaper to buy new ponytails
Me – no thats the deal. i have an ugly finger, its probably why i dont have any friends. having a great ring on it would increase my popularity
Maybe i should explain the ponytail situation. We go through hair ties like nobodys business in my house. and we dwindled down to one lone hair tie. so i was wearing it and she asked for it so i gave it to her. It’s like sisterhood of the traveling hair tie except you have to fist fight to get it back, so its like sisterhood of the traveling hair tie fight club group.
oh and my ring finger is ugly because i broke it and healed all crooked :
ANNNND finally the tanorexia.
Tanorexia is a disease where you never feel your tan enough. Now i know im not tan AT ALL in that picture. Thats because i havent started selling my plasma for tanning money yet.
This can best be explained through pictures.
This is how i feel when I look the way i do now. When im white and pasty i feel psychotic and that i have droopy eyes and someone will cut my right boob off.
When im tan like this ^ I feel like I always have so much more fun and my friends will want to hang out with me and my hair will always look good and i can get away with wearing my hot shorts and leotards.
But what really happens in tanorexia is that you think your not tan and then you think the more tan you get the more fun and friends you have and the more leotards you can wear and you end up looking like this. Malibu barbie dipped in tar.
Now I dont usually give advice because I am not a real good listener. So since you didnt ask for advice i can give whatever kind of advice i want
exactly. An assorted box of like 24 godiva truffles is like 67 dollars (I know this because i plan to buy it for myself). So why not buy her a bunch of wine coolers or cheap vodka because nothing says I love you like getting them all wasted in order for them to say i love you, and also ruffies are hard to come by.
Alls fair in love and war, isnt it?
Me and my bank account share this little list. When i look at it i get all stressed because it usually at around below a dollar. because i dont trust the bank so instead i spend it all right away. but anyways i get stressed out because i cant afford like gas or food or stuff, so then I get depressed but then i remember……I look great! So if this explains you, you are not alone. and no matter how many people tell you that you need to start saving money and establishing a budget…MOM….. you don’t have to. Keep on a spendin and look great doin it!
and on a serious note, we could all use more of these. and more pools and wedge sandals and stuff.
and in a un advice related note i found this:
And i labeled it ‘classy mom’. because this is the kind of mother I will be to my future adopted children. or future little sisters. I will wear a coat, but with my arms out of the sleeves and wear my tom ford cat eye sunglasses and have a nice neutral pallet for my outfit and all the other kids will want to come over to my mansion and get rides home in my BMW and I’ll be so cool that I’ll let them after i wipe of their hands because kids are ALWAYS sticky.