Dead Shit.

Published April 4, 2012 by shadycatlady

I came home today to see my mom cleaning.

That may not sound weird to any of you, but if you know my mom, you know its just not right.

Plus this wasnt like normal cleaning. She had the kitchen table on the complete other side of the kitchen and there were chairs everywhere and like 47 of our best full size Yankee Candles were burning.

It was like a séance but involving the strong smell of spic n span and mr. clean.

She was apparently cleaning like she was getting paid to do it because she thought the kitchen smelled like pee or dead shit or something and it was driving me crazy. So as im sitting down eating my super healthy and classy dinner of ramen noodles and orange tang I hear her say she has figured it out it was coming from one corner of the kitchen.

Its obviously the corner of the kitchen where the garbage can is, but its not the garbage because thats just tooo easy.

And then mother actually sweeps the floor with the hard floor attachment on our Dyson, which im sure has never seen day light, probably because it really pisses off my cat. She hates the sweeper.

But that wasnt enough so she actually, get this, MOPS. she mops the ENTIRE floor. which pisses off my cat even more because she hates wet floors. So if she didnt pee on the floor before and cause this entire ordeal she was totally going to do it now.

We FINALLY put the whole kitchen together again and we smell around the corner and we conclude that it does not smell anymore. So i leave the kitchen for, I kid you not, FIVE SECONDS and i hear OMG IT STILL SMELLS

And im like oh sweet jesus this never going to end. I had to physically remove my mother from the kitchen because she just kept standing in there going crazy talking about how something probably died in the vents. and im like thanks a heap coyote ugly for putting that image in my brain. Because I dont picture a dead rodent in the vent I picture like a whole dead human. Like Disturbia the Shia Lebouf movie.

So we watch a movie and were getting ready for bed and I go to plug my laptop in and I walk into the living room and she is no where to be seen.

She is in the kitchen.

I had to pray to god that he would grant me the grace and serenity to NOT roundhouse kick my mom in the kitchen.

So shes in there like still talking about it and how it smells like dead shit and pee and that something definitely died. And im like freaking out because there is probably not one but TWO dead bodies in our vents now.

So we brush our teeth after I drag her out of kitchen and she walks me to my room because im still freaked out and shes standing in the dining room like OH MY GOD ITS TRAVELING THIS WAY I SMELL IT IN HERE.

But I dont smell anything so I think shes crazy at this point which is not comforting to me at all because its not awesome to live with a crazy person who thinks theres something dead in our house.

Plus she wont sleep in my twin bed with me, so she got me all upset and then just went to her own room.

While I lay here. In my room

In my bed.

Directly under a vent.

I really hope I dont die from being strangled by the dead shit in our vent. which probably isnt even there because my mom is crazy and dramatic.

Plus I have like 40 followers on instagram and thats really exciting for me and I dont want anything to tarnish it. Not even a dead corpse of a mystery animal. Find me on instagram using this name —–> Mini_Lutman

Lets the dead carcass nightmares begin.

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