10 Things I gotta teach my son

Published April 11, 2012 by shadycatlady

This was the trending topic on twitter today.

And it got me thinking if by some crime against humanity I ever have a kid, (Currently think I will never want tiny sticky children), and it is a boy, what on Earth would I teach it?

I know nothing about guys. My mom has a sister, my grandma has like 4 sisters and 1 brother. My moms aunt has 4 daughters my aunt has a daughter. So i really just have no idea how little boys are made.

These are the 10 things I would “gotta” teach my son:

1. Sports are not everything but if you want to play a sport, there will be no forcing of sports because if he was dipped in my gene pool there’s a 50% chance he will have no athletic ability, the coolest sports are hockey and wrestling. You will get the most chicks and achieve optimum badassness with those sports.

2. Loving fashion is awesome and doesnt make you girly. Have you seen Mason Disick? I will show him pictures of Mason Disick as inspiration. Sweaters and vests are cool. Burberry is Jesus Christ. Looking like a dapper, classy, young fellow will get you respect. and respect will lead you everywhere

3. SWAG will not get everywhere UNLESS you are Justin Bieber. Now I’m not talking about swag in general because your swagger can get you places, Scott Disick has a good swagger and look where it got him! He is dating the most beautiful girl in the world and is breeding the most stylish children. How you carry yourself is everything. Now if you’re running around saying swag and hasting it on twitter and wearing your pants below your ass, you look a little less than classy. When you take someone on a date I’m sure they are going to want to go somewhere nice with just you two and hangout and cuddle and stuff i dont know, what I do know is they prrrrobably dont want to go to your homies house while you record your bumpin new mixtape and drink 40 oz. natural lights. But some people do like that, To hers her own i guess or however that goes.

4. Girls are bat shit crazy and there is no way to avoid it. They wanna know what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with, how long you will be doing it, why are you doing it and a picture to make sure you’re not lying. And i mean, you will not avoid it. Eventually it will go away and girls will learn that being crazy really doesnt work out for anybody and that their boyfriends will just start lying and changing girl names to boy names in their phone so they can text them or whatever. So It would be wise for you to just put up with it for a little bit because that is just how the world works for a little bit.

5. You dont have to like the color blue because honestly, I dont like it either. It is not a great color and just because it is associated with boys not mean you have to like it. I will try my hardest to get you a variety of colored outfits so you have awesome choices.

6. I could care less if your room is messy so don’t clean it I really dont care, I’m never going to go in there and MY room is a disaster. But dont try to have girls up in there with all your dirty underwear and poorly hidden liquor garbage and hooters calenders and whatever else boys have in their rooms, because they will probably not be coming back.

7. Partying is not as cool as it looks. When you go to a party where kids are drinking and smoking DONT DO IT. But you will because that is what dudes do. Just remember this, you do not look nearly as cool as you think. I know you think you’ll look cool drinking a casual brew with the bros and shootin the breeze and talking about sports and girls and stuff but in reality you will probably be so excited you’re with upperclassmen you’ll be throwing up in a field somewhere after like 2 beers and some cheap high school vodka and then think you’re a macho man and punch someone and cause down right chaos. You will make no friends doing that. Unless they were already your friends, then you get a pass.

8. Dont care what people think because you will probably be the coolest person ever and caring about what people think is a waste of everyones time.

9. You can do whatever you want with your life as long as you are as happy as clam and it does not involve liking nickleback.

10. You must ask me before you get a tattoo because I am very wise and an excellent judge of character and as cool as getting your favorite car brand logo tattooed on you would be, It would look cooler if you didnt do it. Or waited to do it until you are like 30, when you are SURE you love that brand as much you think. Unless you’re Travis Barker, then get Cadillac tattooed on you all you want, it will hardly be the focal point of your body. Plus I think tattoos are cool and super badass and if you don’t inherent my extreme fear of pain and needles, get as many as you want!

Yeah so lets hope I don’t reproduce, let alone reproduce a boy.

feel free to share what you would teach!

 

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