The Bad Girls Club

Published May 7, 2012 by shadycatlady

I would like to personally thank the brown leather super tan mom. Because of her obsession with tanning everyone was googling ‘Tanorexia’ and ended up on my blog.

because I once briefly discussed tanorexia here on this post 

I kid you not, EVERYONE, my blog got over 1,400 views in one day.

Which is a shit ton for me.

So I’ve been slacking on blogging since I’ve been getting over like 500 views daily but I’m back bizitches. I’ve also been slacking because I’ve been vlogging lately. So if I’ve been M.I.A on here for a couple days mosey on over to my vlog channelll ——> MiniLutman Youtube holla!

Which I vlogged on today and dressed up like Drew Carey. It was not a pleasant sight. Theres also some about facebook and spray tans because I have no life.

I have no idea what to do with myself now that school is over and my work hired someone else to snatch up me and the other girl’s hours. Im home….alll….the….time.

I’ve spent today watch The Bad Girls Club with my cat.

And im just like, What the hell……..

All they do is touch each other stuffs and break it and then fight each other.

OH and then they get all mad and are like “You all are bitches and I cant trust anyone”

BITCH you are on THE BAD GIRLS CLUB. You can not possibly complain that the girls are mean to you. those girls got picked to be on the show because they are mean.

Watching it really makes my blood boil. like I just wanna go on that show and fight them all. and then i remember that it is pre-taped and that I cant fight, like at all, so I just settle down.

But really, they got a new girl like in the middle of the season, they dont even know her and theyre like, lets just jump her and get her to leave we dont want her here.

SO THEY DID.

and they threw all her stuff and her mattress in the pool. shit, i would have left immediately.

After I cried and begged for mercy.

But for real, where do they find bitches like these. All they do is drink, break shit in their house and fight each other.

And its not even like they dont want to fight and it just happens, they WANT to fight each other, they make each other fight each other.

I’m going to be doing this all day………….

Please help me.

I can feel myself getting dumber and more ghetto and Im probably going to drink all my moms liquor and break all our fine home furnishings.

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Word Vomit: Holy Boobies!!!!

Published May 2, 2012 by shadycatlady

Now unless you are a dugger, amish, viral video hater you would know that little miss Kate Upton did a jiggly dance in something I think an exotic dancer would wear. It most certainly is not a bikini. I am including the link in here so incase you didn’t see it, you can watch it and not be out of the loop.

and if you DID happen to see it, I’m sure you will watch it again.

Perverts.

WATCH KATE UPTON CAT DADDY HERE! click me click me click me

also maybe if your a minor you shouldnt watch this, because well, for many reasons. ask your mom

you might even need to sign in to youtube to watch it. Thats how promiscuous Kate Upton got.

and on that note I think my greasey pizza for one just got here………..

Mini Vacation

Published May 1, 2012 by shadycatlady

Yeah, I’ve been M.I.A for like a week or whatever.

But really my life has been boring and I’ve been busy doing what I do best, failing exams.

But I did get a chance to sneak in a mini vacation

I went up to my family’s cottage on saturday and sunday last weekend.

and it was magical.

I love nothing more than doing nothing. Plus I have not had a Saturday off since St. Patricks Day so I was due for a saturday off. Even if it was the one saturday every 3 months where we have to stay all late and hand count every single item in the store. I needed it.

So I wake up saturday morning and decide on whim to get a spray tan. and I looked FABULOUSLY tan. Like Jersey Shore tan without looking cheap and trashy and I was most certainly not wearing affliction or Ed Hardy.

I was wearing my capris with cats on them.

So we drive an hour and a half stuffed in my moms SUV while we all listen to my cousin name every breed of bird on the way.

I could probably get my PHD in birdology after that weekend.

Yes I am aware that that is probably not the term but i dont care enough to look it up.

So me and my best friend spent the weekend watching harry potter and drinking hott butterbeer. Which is just butter and brown sugar melted and then poured into boiling cream soda with a couple splashes of butter scotch schnapps.

I know, real specific. I think it was something like 4 tbs of brown sugar and maybe like 2-3 tbs of butter, then a 2 liter of cream soda.

mmmm delicious. You wouldve seen this if you followed me on instagram Mini_Lutman

oh and you can pour some plain cream in the cup before your dump your hot delicious beverage in there.

quite delicious. Plus it doesnt get you white girl wasted, which is ideal when you are watching your favorite movie series ever in the whole world.

But if you like getting white girl wasted I’m sure you could adjust it accordingly.

We also had a little photoshoot in water that was so cold I’m sure it was frozen.

Arent spray tans awesome!?

and then we drove around and shopped and ate and stuff it was pure bliss. Cottages are like little separate worlds where times slows down you drink cocktails and get tired at 7 p.m

I can’t wait to go back.

But starting tomorrow after 10:30 a.m I am on summer vacation.

Let’s get weird.

Pissed.

Published April 25, 2012 by shadycatlady

Pissed off.

PISSED OFF.

There I said it, twice actually.

Seen The Lucky One last night…….

Don’t waste your money. It is honestly a horrible movie. Yeah sure a couple parts are funny but I could feel myself not connected to the characters at all. They all could have died and I don’t think it would have even mattered to me.

The only thing that could have made it better…

A shirtless Zac Efron.

Did it happen? NO

okay it happened like twice, but he making out so all I saw was a couple of back dimples and half a man boob.

It was most disappointing.

So don’t waste your money at all.

 

So I had to make this. Scumbag Zaquisha Efron.

Also someone hit my car today.

Now not like BOOM dent. but like, let me back out but I’ll let my car scrape along the side of your fine automobile the whole time and then I’ll just leave and not leave a note or name or anything. Good Luck!

*Fart noise*

If I ever find you I will make you clean my car with your tongue, which will be gross because I never wash my car. And then I’ll make you pay for a real premium car wash because you will probably leave streak marks.

So now I’ll have to get it estimated and see how much it will cost to fix all of this because I can’t stand it being there. ITS A NEW CAR. pfffffft right. This bitch is getting FIXED. Or I’ll have to pay 500 dollars to my insurance people to get it fixed.

AWFUL. just awful.

How do you not know your ripping off all of my cars paint?!? uggggggh. You’ll get yours, don’t you worry.

Does my car scream, hit me and then not leave any information because im EEEVIL?

because this is how I see my car…

Is this how other people see my car….?

Probably. There is no other explanation for this type of behavior.

I’m livid. The last thing I want to hear when my mom walks in is “Did you know someone hit your car”

NO.

No i did not. Enlighten me. So she did and it looks awful. I’m weeping, but only on the inside. I don’t have tear ducts. Well literally I do, but I dont use them a lot.

The only thing that made today better was the fact that it was hotdog night for dinner. I ate my feelings in hotdogs. Which the new measurement for sadness.

How sad are you?

Im about two hotdogs sad.

Yeah.

I also vlogged before all of this went down

I feature my little mexican burrito cat eating a ton of her favorite food while being absolutely HORRIBLE.

honestly, she is the worst cat ever.

but shes so cute, so its okay.

TO SEE HER IN ACTION CLICK HERE!!!! seriously. click these words. 

Word Vomit Vol. 3. Studying

Published April 22, 2012 by shadycatlady

Now, it is a known fact i do not test well. I’m practically a genius, but when it comes to tests im dumber than a box of rocks. And currently I am on the verge of COMPLETELY failing my government class.

Yeah like the whole class. Because all my teacher does is talk and I can’t decipher what is notes and what is not and the only two grades so far are 2 tests because he doesnt take attendance or give homework. It like he knows how I work.

So yeah I basically need a 115% on this final next Monday or else my ass is grass.

Whatever that means.

And then, as if Jesus heard my prayers, I found an excellent study tool.

‘True American’ the drinking game.

As seen on “New Girl” with Zooey Deschanel, so you know its going to be good.

See how it all shakes out here

So basically as I interpreted it, this is how it goes.

You set up a course with a TON of beer in the middle and the your choice of liquor (The Queen)

Put the queen in the middle of the beers

THE FLOOR IS LAVA. touch it you automatically lose.

work in a counter clockwise rotation

So you all stand on chairs and if you get a history question right you get to navigate to the center to retrieve a beer and then navigate back to your spot and drink the beer. but make sure to grab beers in a circle rotation to leave the path to the queen blocked until half the beers are gone. or something.

and then when everyone has gone (End of a round) everyone has to work their way to the center and take a beer and then shotgun it. I think.

then it goes on until you reach the queen. and then you win.

Unless someone touches the floor then they lose automatically.

and then when someone holds up a 1 during the game they get to advance a space.

Yeah it’s pretty straight forward as far as I see it.

So this is how I am studying. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Who’s in?

April 20th.

Published April 20, 2012 by shadycatlady

Today it is April 20th.

Which only means one thing.

It is the two year anniversary of me getting my license.

It was a tragic time for me. My parents didn’t let me drive with my temps, like ever. With good reasoning though. I am a HORRIBLE driver. Granted two years later I’m a lot better, but back then, no. Just no. I’m lucky nobody is dead.

I actually never wanted to get my license. Didn’t sound appealing to me, but after a year of all my friends driving around and stuff I guess my mother got sick of it because she made me take those dumb classes and then signed me up for drive times. Which was like the first time I ever drove basically.

Driving around with an old man for two hours did not sound awesome to me, like at all. Why could she not wait another year until I was 18 and i wouldnt have to do this stuff? I dont know. To probably bug me thats why.

I had the same old guy, Paul, the first 3 out 4 times I had to do this so I was like awesome he’s kind of funny this is not that bad and then a different crabby old dude pulls up on my last one.

Of course

So we go to drive and stuff and get to the part where we practice maneuverability and he’s like “Wait wait wait, what are you doing?!”

And im like, Chill out im driving around cones and stuff

and then he’s like, “well why are you looking in that mirror you’re supposed to be looking in the other mirror when you do this.”

But the other guy taught me to do it this way, I only know how to do it this way

And then he says…. “Well it’s to late to change it now so go ahead”

Perfect. Just what I want to here before I take my drivers test.

So then I passed all that stuff, magically. and I signed up to take my test in BG because I feel like my 1 year old cousin could pass a driving test there because it is so easy. But really I knew I was going to fail. Everyone fails the first time. My best friend failed the first time, I feel like failing was my destiny.

So I show up to the testing place full of evil mean people looking like a pile of garbage because if I’m not going to get my picture taken who cares? Not I.

So the guy calls my name to take a test and he’s obviously foreign. And I just cant really understand what he’s saying, but I’m like okay lets get this over with.

We go through maneuverability which I did good in because it did not involve concentrating on not hitting other people.

Then we get to the road part. Nope, not for me. I don’t like driving when there is other people on the road. If it was not for them I would do GREAT.

So it is all going good till around the end. The guy said “Okay get into the right lane”

So obviously I get into the LEFT lane.

and hes like the RIGHT lane

and Im like, oh my god and then I just get into the right lane without looking and it is just mass chaos right there.

So I knew failed right at that moment. Not a doubt in my mind. and we pull up to the DMV nobody talks, we just get out of the car, walk up to the building, still in silence, and we get inside and he hands me some papers and is like Okay you can get your license over there. or at least I think that is what he said, I couldnt understand him.

I could NOT believe it. My dad didnt even think I passed.

So then I realized I would have the ugliest license picture ever for a very long time because it is easier to obtain unicorn blood than get your license picture changed. And then I was sad.

So in honor of my horrific yet great day, I will share with you all………My license picture.

Laugh at it, Love it, I dont care. You’re all lucky I love you.

So since having my license I have popped TWO tires because me and curbs are arch enemies and I am not able to make right turns. Never could, never will.

I have hit ONE animal, a bird, and I cried for 10 minutes because I was now a classified murderer.

And obviously has had ton of adventures that involve running out of gas on the expressway, running out of gas in the kroger parking lot, and COUNTLESS sing alongs.

Click here for a youtube video of my awesome driving slash sing alongs!!

I also Vlogged yesterday.

Yay videos! Where I used super strong glue to glue shit and sang some songs and was basically glue buzzin. It was so awesome.

You can catch that here ———> CLICK HERE FOR VLOGGING FUN

I promise it’s awesome.

If you want to know what i was glueing. I made this fabulous phone case for your iphone 4/4s

But this picture always uploads sideways because of some weird sorcery. but you get it.

You can click here to buy it if you want. 

 

A doctors dream come true.

Published April 17, 2012 by shadycatlady

I alone probably support my doctors salary.

I am ALWAYS there. Shit I got insurance might as well use it while we have it.

Paper cut? Doctor. Headache? Doctor. Zits? Doctor.

It is just how my brain works. It is probably because my grandpa was the biggest hypochondriac ever.

But I know I’m not. I’m just really that prone to diseases and accidents and what not. Except I think my doctor doesn’t believe me so I stopped taking the medicine he prescribed me because I’m convinced he gave me sugar pills, and I will NOT be made a fool, so now i just get headaches all the time .

Not to mention right now I have headaches all the time and my stomach burns because I forget to take my medicine and I’ve got a HUGE boil pimple tumor behind my ear that hurts when I even think about it, and I’m greatly considering the fact the voldemort may have actually attached himself to the back of my head and I am a temporary horcrux.

But anyways back on track.

I had a doctors appointment today. For my GIANT monster foot. (Incase you missed the story of its rapid growth, click here)

 Us waiting the prognosis 

So I waited a week because I had to actually go to a foot doctor, which makes me nervous because I’ve had the same doctor since I was infant and we go way back, we really understand each other. Like when I was three said son of a bitch when I got a shot in my leg and we were still cool, he understood. So I was already all sweaty, and then I had to sit in the waiting room full of people with weird feet hanging out and wheel chairs and in grown toenails and the whole thing was un-settling to me. So after waiting 20 minutes past my appointment time I finally get to go to the room. and then there was a lot more waiting and shit and then I got some X-rays in some stylish brown paper bag slippers. And he concluded that nothing was wrong. Shocker. I’m just crazy

He said it is probably because I have super flat feet but I call bullshit on that because my feet aren’t even that flat and it is only one foot. But in his defense I just really want crutches so it could be because of flat feet, I’m just trying to blow it out of proportion to get some cool crutches.

So all he did was tape it in this weird formation which I’m not sure is going to help any, but I’ll give it a whirl

FOOT JAIL!

So as you can see my big fat foot is spilling over the tape on the top.

Fabulous.

OH and I can’t get it wet.

Showering already is one of my least favorite things to do, but now I have to create some type of science project to prevent it from getting wet in the shower.

I didn’t sign up for this shit.

Doesn’t that look like fun?

I used our generic plastic wrap called “Ruffies”. Yeah exactly like the date rape drug, aren’t budgets fun?

and then I wrapped it with a plastic kroger bag so tight that I couldnt feel my foot and figured that was perfect.

If that wasn’t fun enough, as I’m balancing half in the shower with my right leg sticking out of the shower I see a spider.

Spiders? Yeah not my deal. Not since one bit me in the lip in the second grade and made my lip grow to a crazy large size. I’m a grudge holder. So I’m freaking out, standing on one foot trying to find the best shaped shampoo bottle to squash the shit out of it with. It was a disaster. This whole foot wrapping thing is a concussion waiting to happen really.

The only good thing to come from this was I didn’t have to wear shoes for like two hours. which was fun because not wearing shoes is my favorite.

And I got to see this on the way home

A FANTASTIC dolphin seascape on the back window of this conversion van. I love dolphins. So now I dont know if I’d rather have a wolf or dolphin on my back window….

Also I got the best gift for my birthday in the mail yesterday

Harry Potter AND tiffanys. I have the best family.