humor

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My life as a shopaholic.

Published July 2, 2012 by shadycatlady

Coupons. That is how this whole thing started. 3 stupid Victoria’s secret coupons.

Lets back track my trip to the mall.

3 coupons! sweet! Ill just run to the mall after my mani-pedi (Groupon so I practically made money on it).

1. Free Underwear

2. 10$ off a bra

3. 10 flip flops with any purchase. (Regularly 24.50)

All good deals. I mean, I have to use all these coupons or im really just losing money.

I walk in and the lady directs me right towards the free underwear. Thanks lady, now I just need to get one more thing and then I can get my flip flops at the register and pay.

Going smoothly.

Wait, what did that sign say?

I slowly walk towards the color display of every lotion and perfume, like ever. All shiny and in a forcefield that smells like dreams.

The sign say 75% off.

I look around, this is obviously a mistake.

Except its NOT a mistake. These are literally almost free.

oh my god. When will this ever happen again.

I am frantic. I dont believe it, im picking up lotions left and right.

NO.

No, I do not need these, so I sadly put them all back and go to walk away and then I see that canvas beach bags are also on sale!

7.50.

for a beach bag?! That is nothing.

Granted I dont go to the beach a lot because I hate fish and our beach is probably polluted with the plague and I’ll come out with an extra arm. but still, what if one day I want to go to the beach and I dont have a bag?

I better get it.

Im on my way to the dressing rooms when I see a sign that says “SALE STARTING AT 9.99”

well I mean, 10 dollars is nothing, I’ll probably waste 10 dollars later on stuff I dont need, I might as well spend it on things I know I’ll use forever.

Like the most perfect grey sweatpants. They’re lose but not toooo lose, and they’re a little tight, tight enough so people dont think I’m a boy from the behind. They are made of clouds on the inside im sure of it. and you can wear them long OR you can roll the bottoms, like trendy capris. Now they’re 21 dollars, a little more than 10, but I’ll wear these sweatpants all the time, I might even request to be buried in them.

Yeah I’ll put them in the shopping bag the kind ladies got me after I kept dropping everything all over their floor.

I also see that you get a beach wrap for 10 dollars with any purchase.

Now as i said I dont go to the beach a lot, but what if we have a little pool party and I want to wear my swim suit but still have something light over it. Yeah I’ll ask for that at the register also.

I’m in line when I see that the lipgloss is 50% off.

Well I mean, I think I had this lipgloss once and i really liked it, so I better get one while they’re on sale.

Okay so I opt of the beach wrap and a couple other items when I see I have amassed a 58 dollar bill.

How this happened I have no idea.

I’m a blackout shopper. I just black out when I shop and I get to the register and I am swiping my card and looking at things I have never seen before. But i buy it anyways because I trust my judgement and I’m sure I need all this stuff.

I’m fast walking out of the mall NOT looking into any other shops because I cannot spend anymore money, seriously, I don’t need anything else. I look away from the sparkly tennis shoes and the godiva truffles because I am a saving queen and I do not need those things.

Then I see it.

A sale at abercrombie, additional 50% off of sale items.

Oh my god. I wait years for sales like this. I dont need anything but ill pop in to look.

They’re playing a club remix of Selena Gomez, like they knew I was here, and now I’m pumped.

I’m grabbings things left and right.

A bright yellow rain coat! Ill definitely need this sometime.

no, no, I do not need this…. I’ll just leave..

This red dress was made for me. Im the dressing room twirling around, it makes my eyes greener, my tan more tan and it has pockets…. for my new lipgloss.

I also tried on a ruffly shirt, that accentuates me in all the right places. It is a mix between red and pink with a striped blue ribbon. It was hand crafted for me.

Ill get this shirt, because its only going to be like 16 dollars. What is that? like nothing. Yeah I’ll just get it.

Plus I remembered I put a 50 dollar deposit down on my rental car and I get that back when I take it back.

So I really I only spent like 20 dollars? Not bad at all!

As im sprinting out of the mall, I see that Perfumania is having a 70% off sale…….

I require supervision when I shop.

writers block

Published June 25, 2012 by shadycatlady

I have, officially, writers block.

I know, I run a blog where I basically write about whatever I want because it is so easy going over in these neck of the woods so to say I have writers block would be an insult to real writers everywhere.

But its real, my moms all, madison you really need to write something.

And im like OH MY GOD MOM LEAVE ME ALONE *slams door and organizes my scrunchies*

okay I lied, I have no scrunchies, but she has been bugging me, and honestly I want to write shit but I honestly have nothing to talk about, so I am taking the easy way out for a while and doing the 30 day Harry Potter challenge.

Yeah basically I found this on the internet where They ask 30 harry potter related questions and I answer them here and you can learn oh so much about me and blah blah blah, I just like to talk about harry potter.

So ill place this under word vomit, and ill occasionally make real blog posts, maybe.

So this will MOST DEFINITELY have spoilers so if you dont want to know get the hell out.

Day 1: What is your favorite book in the series?

Easy. The prisoner of Azkaban.

I really am not sure what compels me to this book so much but I think it has to do with Sirius mostly.

I love that Harry found not 1, but 2 (Remus Lupin) father typer figures after assuming he had none.

Harry potter is the only thing that makes me all sappy so when harry finds out the truth about Sirius and then saves him, it makes me want to go around and kiss babies on the head, like the president of America.

Also Hermione punches Malfoy in the face, even though I like Malfoy (the feelings start in book 6), it is still one of the best moments.

Also I like that Dumbledore predicted wormtails wavering ways.

He basically tells harry, it sucks that you saved him now, but one day peter will owe you big time and youll be grateful then .

Also they save buckbeak AND Sirius all because Dumbledore is a genius and Hermione gets to go back in time.

I could go on for hours about this book……

I actually have a quote form this one on my wall.

But I’m using my laptop on the darkest screen setting because i have 7% left and I DO NOT want to get my charger. So I have to cut this up short.

Plus hip-hop squares is on. YAY………….

Its like Hollywood squares but with drunk, slurred, ebonics as the main language.

….

.

Sick.

Published June 6, 2012 by shadycatlady

Im sick.

and not like Karen Smith from mean girls sick, who is only sick because she didnt want to hang out with Regina.

Like I’m sure my throat is moments away from jumping out of my mouth because it hurts so bad.

and these halls dont do anything because theyre the ugly red ones.

Flavor has everything to do with it.

So naturally since I’m sick I work 11 hours today. Which I do not see happening.

If I stay for 11 hours they will be burying me in the back at nine oclock.

I’m not dramatic at all.

I also forgot to bring anything to drink and anything to eat. I feel like I’m on survivor. This is great training for when I am actually ON survivor.

I’ve been telling everyone at work that I have malaria. I bet if I Web MD my symptoms that would actually be a diagnosis option.

Also since my throat hurts I sound way sicker than i actually am. Which would be pretty awesome if it didnt feel like I was drinking gasoline that was fire and also had glass shards mixed in.

I am going to send myself get well soon flowers because when Im sick the world stops turning and everyone must pay attention to me and feel sorry for me because, being that I am a naturally mean person, I never get the sympathy vote.

So I milk this for as long as possible. My dad says I need to grow up and learn to just be sick without going to the doctor or the hospital. Which doesnt make sense because Web MD is not a reliable source and I need prescription medicine because that truly heals all. Im sure on my files it says “Just prescribe sugar pills, she is crazy”.

My mom promised to bring me a little care package to get me through the rest of the day because she says I cant leave because I need money. whatever that means. Also because I am a HUGE  baby.

This better be a really good care package because I could be sitting at home jingling a bell and having my cat serve me soup and herbal teas while I watch TV and try to not go to the light.

Wish me luck through the rest of the day. And lets all hope my mom actually remembers to bring me some stuff because she does this thing where she forgets about me a lot.

Yeah, today should be great.

Jackass

Published May 15, 2012 by shadycatlady

Hi I’m Johnny Knoxville and welcome jackass

*Catchy guitar solo*

When you hear that you know that some crazy shit is about to happen.

The cast members of jackass are literally just children with a shit ton of money.

As I was watching it last night, between the “oh my gods” and fake vomiting, I could not help but realize how happy they are doing it.

Which is odd to me because if someone shot pee at me out of a water gun I’d be a little less than thrilled.

Easily one of the most entertaining cast members is Chris Pontius. And I mean most entertaining just sitting around not doing anything.

Image

He was wearing a bikini top and bunny ears. One more than more than one occasion. Like maybe this was his go to outfit. I was dying. All he does is wear ridiculous outfits, or no outfit at all, and smile. He ALWAYS has this HUGE ridiculous smile on his face. Even if a scorpion just stung him in the face.

Can you imagine just waking up one morning and saying to your friends

You know what I wanna do today, lets go buy a big blue pool and try to slingshot each other into it while they are on skateboards.

And they go out and buy ALL the supplies and then build a ramp and some type of human slingshot device and then ruin it all. And think it is hilarious!

Well I mean it is hilarious, but wasting my money would not be hilarious to me.

But they have so much money it doesn’t even matter.

When they are all together it HAS to be impossible to do anything.

I wouldn’t sleep, I wouldn’t eat, I wouldn’t even go to the bathroom.

Because every time someone tried to use the bathroom it literally exploded with blue paint.

And then Bam Margera peed on everyone.

And everyone laughed because nobody gets mad.

Also they thought it was so funny that somebody fell for their trick when they asked them to bring in a tray FULL OF SOUP so they could smack him with a HUGE hand.

They could NOT believe he fell for it “Hey can you bring in this tray full of soup to the kitchen” and you know what, I couldn’t believe it either, if they asked me to bring in a bunch of soup I would be like NOPE. Get your own damn soup.

After watching Jackass 2.5 and Jackass 3 I came to two conclusions.

1. I may actually want to marry steve-o

Image

and

2. If I had the chance to do it I probably would.

The Bad Girls Club

Published May 7, 2012 by shadycatlady

I would like to personally thank the brown leather super tan mom. Because of her obsession with tanning everyone was googling ‘Tanorexia’ and ended up on my blog.

because I once briefly discussed tanorexia here on this post 

I kid you not, EVERYONE, my blog got over 1,400 views in one day.

Which is a shit ton for me.

So I’ve been slacking on blogging since I’ve been getting over like 500 views daily but I’m back bizitches. I’ve also been slacking because I’ve been vlogging lately. So if I’ve been M.I.A on here for a couple days mosey on over to my vlog channelll ——> MiniLutman Youtube holla!

Which I vlogged on today and dressed up like Drew Carey. It was not a pleasant sight. Theres also some about facebook and spray tans because I have no life.

I have no idea what to do with myself now that school is over and my work hired someone else to snatch up me and the other girl’s hours. Im home….alll….the….time.

I’ve spent today watch The Bad Girls Club with my cat.

And im just like, What the hell……..

All they do is touch each other stuffs and break it and then fight each other.

OH and then they get all mad and are like “You all are bitches and I cant trust anyone”

BITCH you are on THE BAD GIRLS CLUB. You can not possibly complain that the girls are mean to you. those girls got picked to be on the show because they are mean.

Watching it really makes my blood boil. like I just wanna go on that show and fight them all. and then i remember that it is pre-taped and that I cant fight, like at all, so I just settle down.

But really, they got a new girl like in the middle of the season, they dont even know her and theyre like, lets just jump her and get her to leave we dont want her here.

SO THEY DID.

and they threw all her stuff and her mattress in the pool. shit, i would have left immediately.

After I cried and begged for mercy.

But for real, where do they find bitches like these. All they do is drink, break shit in their house and fight each other.

And its not even like they dont want to fight and it just happens, they WANT to fight each other, they make each other fight each other.

I’m going to be doing this all day………….

Please help me.

I can feel myself getting dumber and more ghetto and Im probably going to drink all my moms liquor and break all our fine home furnishings.

Word Vomit: Holy Boobies!!!!

Published May 2, 2012 by shadycatlady

Now unless you are a dugger, amish, viral video hater you would know that little miss Kate Upton did a jiggly dance in something I think an exotic dancer would wear. It most certainly is not a bikini. I am including the link in here so incase you didn’t see it, you can watch it and not be out of the loop.

and if you DID happen to see it, I’m sure you will watch it again.

Perverts.

WATCH KATE UPTON CAT DADDY HERE! click me click me click me

also maybe if your a minor you shouldnt watch this, because well, for many reasons. ask your mom

you might even need to sign in to youtube to watch it. Thats how promiscuous Kate Upton got.

and on that note I think my greasey pizza for one just got here………..

Mini Vacation

Published May 1, 2012 by shadycatlady

Yeah, I’ve been M.I.A for like a week or whatever.

But really my life has been boring and I’ve been busy doing what I do best, failing exams.

But I did get a chance to sneak in a mini vacation

I went up to my family’s cottage on saturday and sunday last weekend.

and it was magical.

I love nothing more than doing nothing. Plus I have not had a Saturday off since St. Patricks Day so I was due for a saturday off. Even if it was the one saturday every 3 months where we have to stay all late and hand count every single item in the store. I needed it.

So I wake up saturday morning and decide on whim to get a spray tan. and I looked FABULOUSLY tan. Like Jersey Shore tan without looking cheap and trashy and I was most certainly not wearing affliction or Ed Hardy.

I was wearing my capris with cats on them.

So we drive an hour and a half stuffed in my moms SUV while we all listen to my cousin name every breed of bird on the way.

I could probably get my PHD in birdology after that weekend.

Yes I am aware that that is probably not the term but i dont care enough to look it up.

So me and my best friend spent the weekend watching harry potter and drinking hott butterbeer. Which is just butter and brown sugar melted and then poured into boiling cream soda with a couple splashes of butter scotch schnapps.

I know, real specific. I think it was something like 4 tbs of brown sugar and maybe like 2-3 tbs of butter, then a 2 liter of cream soda.

mmmm delicious. You wouldve seen this if you followed me on instagram Mini_Lutman

oh and you can pour some plain cream in the cup before your dump your hot delicious beverage in there.

quite delicious. Plus it doesnt get you white girl wasted, which is ideal when you are watching your favorite movie series ever in the whole world.

But if you like getting white girl wasted I’m sure you could adjust it accordingly.

We also had a little photoshoot in water that was so cold I’m sure it was frozen.

Arent spray tans awesome!?

and then we drove around and shopped and ate and stuff it was pure bliss. Cottages are like little separate worlds where times slows down you drink cocktails and get tired at 7 p.m

I can’t wait to go back.

But starting tomorrow after 10:30 a.m I am on summer vacation.

Let’s get weird.